Crossfit As Therapy?

I never would have imagined that I – of all people – would be participating in Crossfit. If you know my testimony, then you understand why this statement is true. If you don’t know my testimony, here are a few posts where I have chronicled my struggles:

Those Deep Dark Secrets  |  When “It” Returns To Haunt You  |  A True Confession

It didn’t matter how many times I faced my struggle, it seemed to find its way back. This is the first time I have started something, had my body make changes, and I actually accept them. Don’t get me wrong, it has not been a perfect road of no complaining, lol, but of acceptance – yes. For the past two years I have committed myself to running 2-3 times a week (totaling 7-11 miles) and toning based exercises/routines such as BodyPump. My goal was to feel and look thin. I didn’t want my thighs to touch because to me it meant I was fat. I hate anything hanging over the sides of my jeans because I feel like my “love handles” are 3x’ larger than they really are. If I looked thin (even without muscle) and I felt thin I was validated in some sick sense.


What started as an exercise to grow my marriage to a new level has turned into a tri-weekly therapy session for my inner most person. After taking Crossfit classes for around 5 weeks now, my body is changing. My inner thighs touch at the top. When this first started happening, I began to cringe. My entire body was beginning to feel “thick”. (Side note – I have always had a muscular body type from dance  and I didn’t want to have it anymore!) I struggled for a few days, even debating if I wanted to keep doing it… could I really handle these changes to my body without losing my sanity? A single comment from my husband changed my entire attitude of whether I would quit or not…

This is the best your body has looked in a long time. Fit is the new sexy.

Well! If my husband was liking my new physique then it was something I was willing to take on. His opinion of me as my lifelong partner is extremely important to me. In marriage we grow and change everyday and I want to make sure I stay “in tune” with him even when it comes to my body. 🙂

Next came the struggle of food. The workouts were burning lots of calories but I wasn’t replenishing them like I should. I have always had a horrible relationship with food. When I started Crossfit I was at a place with food where I really could care less about eating at all. Food was a necessity to live and I wanted to consume the least amount possible. That meant less to work off. After a conversation with a new friend of mine at this gym, I had a new perspective on eating. She told me after a truth session regarding food, “it’s not about how much you do or don’t take in – it’s about fueling your body for the workout ahead.” I am not sure why this specific sentence made a difference but it did. From that point forward I didn’t quite look at food as an enemy, but instead, a friend.

All-in-all, this 5 week experience has been a positive one. In the last week and half, I have noticed changes in my body that I have NEVER seen in the years of previous working out. I am 32 years old and I am seeing “lines” I have never seen in my life. You read correctly… in 5 weeks I am seeing changes I have never seen in years. It’s encouraging and exciting. While many of the workouts suck, haha, it’s so worth it when you go home and see new lines of definition coming through – even when it’s muscle gain. I feel amazing – like I could take on the world.

I am not someone who intends on working up to lift 250lbs. For now, I am content with the challenge of seeing what I can accomplish, overcoming pieces of me I had thought were finally worked through only to find out they had not been, and seeing a new me my husband is intrigued by – <3. That drives me. At the end of the day, I know what I am called to do for the Lord. It pertains to helping people find freedom and face faith in this temporary life. How in the world can I help people who share my testimony if I still have pieces I need to work through? (I am so amazed how the Lord will prompt us to do one thing and yet it actually “answers” or “corrects” numerous things. I’m so grateful He is an all-knowing GOD and knows exactly what I need, when I need it. I just have to listen.)

I think it’s time to finally close this chapter in my life.

A True Confession

I realized I have not had a really intimate confession in a while. This week seems to be a perfect time to have one. I’m struggling. Bad. I am 113, maybe 115 on some days, and mentally I feel like I weigh 175. The anguish and frustration, the tears of disappointment in myself, the talking to myself and shaming myself is sometimes too much to handle. Constantly grabbing my stomach, my thighs, the back of my arms, uh. It’s awful. I haven’t experienced this in a long time. I’m wise enough to know when the Lord is handing out blessings – the devil is there to try to take the spotlight. But this time, it’s much harder. In the past week, I have noticed myself “punishing” myself with exercise. My body feels full of water weight which makes things worse. I limit what I eat to counter balance how I feel and how I look. And then, I have to take a deep breath and say, “Brittany, it’s just a game. Stop playing it.”

But it’s hard. How do you stop playing a game you don’t even realize you are playing most of the time?

Some may think this image is too graphic – but people are really suffering like this. It’s real, by pretending to not see it, it doesn’t go away.

I called someone who is a prayer partner with me and immediately asked for prayer but this time it was different. Normally, in a moment like this, after I ask for additional prayer it lightens. It hasn’t. The thoughts of just starving myself, that it would be so much easier, that it “feels” better to have an empty stomach just torment me. What I do realize, is as these blessings increase and as things I have moving in my life progress to higher places – these trials are only going to get stronger. And I have to be ready. I’m not perfect by any means but I have to try to eliminate these thoughts the minute they enter in my head. Some battles are easier than others, which is why we should never judge someone’s individual struggles. What is easy for us, may not be easy for someone else. What is easy for someone else, may not be easy for us. This one isn’t easy for me. I’m in this over emotional place and as usual feel alone in it. No one around me knows what this feels like (at least no one has told me this) so I would imagine no one knows how to react to this. And why I don’t talk about it.

When I look in the mirror right now I see a body that is not small enough, with too much flab. But I have to remember this is not the case. What I am seeing is false. It’s the devil perverting my view. I have to remember I am beautiful and created in the image of GOD! Who am I to tell God He is ugly? Because that is exactly what I am doing when my body isn’t good enough for me. This too shall pass. Pain my endure through my night (or my days) but joy will come in the morning. I WILL overcome and wake up tomorrow morning with a fresh view-point. Wow, Blogging is sometimes so therapeutic! lol… 🙂 Maybe that’s why they say ‘talk to  someone’. You work things out in your mind as it comes out of your mouth.

Psalm 30:5 “…Weeping may endure for a night, But joy comes in the morning.”