A Child’s Version of the Bible


The Children’s Bible in a Nutshell

A child had homework to write a book report of the entire Bible.
This is the child’s book report. Enjoy the good laugh!

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas.  The Bible says, ‘The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that.  Anyway, God said, ‘Give me a light!’ and someone did. Then God made the world. He split the Adam and made Eve.  Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren’t embarrassed because mirrors hadn’t been invented yet.  Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden…..Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn’t have cars. Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel. Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something. One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham.  Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.  After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.  Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast.  Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat. Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston.  Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh’s people.  These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.

God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti.  Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don’t lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor’s stuff. Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother. One of Moses’ best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies.  Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town. After Joshua came David.  He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot.  He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines.  My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn’t sound very wise to me. After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets.  One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore.  There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don’t have to worry about them. After the Old Testament came the New Testament.  Jesus is the star of The New.  He was born  in  Bethlehem  in a barn.  (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, ‘Close the door! Were you born in a barn?’ It would be nice to say, ‘As a matter of fact, I was.’) During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Republicans.  Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus.  Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him. Jesus was a great man.  He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount.

But the Republicans and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot.  Pilot didn’t stick up for Jesus.  He just washed his hands instead. Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again.  He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum.  His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.

Don’t You Dare Pray For That


It sounds harsh. It sounds cliché’. It sounds awkward. It sounds backwards. Why would you pray to the Lord for a family you know to have food… when YOU have been blessed with food YOU can take to them? Why would you pray for God to provide your neighbor the money to fix the hole in his sheet rock when YOU do that for a living and could bless him with your trade skills? Yeah, it might cost you some time and some money… but it’s not yours to begin with… is it?

Don’t pray for things you can do yourself for others. Use your prayer time for praying for the supernatural things you CAN’T fill. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying you can’t pray for your neighbors or people you know – you should! But don’t be lazy in your prayer time praying for things over and over again… God might not be answering you because He is waiting on YOU to fulfill that need.

CHALLENGE: Who do you know right now that you can bless through money, food, clothes, talents, material or time? (Think hard) Now think of what they need. (Think hard) Now set it up today to bless someone!

Luke 6:38
Give, and it will be given to you. Good measure, pressed down, shaken together, running over, will be put into your lap. For with the measure you use it will be measured back to you.”

Galatians 6:2
2
Help carry each other’s burdens. In this way you will follow Christ’s teachings.

He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not


When I was younger I couldn’t stand to not have a boyfriend. The minute I broke up with one I was on the hunt for another. I put them before friends and family. I put them in front of important events I should have been at but instead would lie to get out of the event. Yes, I admit it… I would lie. The attention I would receive from a “boy” was infatuating to me. Holding my hand or giving me a kiss would just send butterflies through my stomach and make me want to spend even more time with him. But I quickly learned the attention I was getting that I thought equaled “love” was not “love” at all. Instead it was just attention – and most the time attention in the most wrong sense.

You know how you are feeling incomplete (girl or guy) and searching for something to fill that void? You tell yourself, “something is just missing in my life” so you go out and have drinks with friends, or go boy/girl hopping til you find one that is intriguing enough that they keep your attention, or maybe you throw all your time into working out or a sport, maybe you even throw yourself into church activities but all for the wrong reason. When you try to fill a void with something other than it’s true meaning of being filled it never works. The last drink of the night hasn’t taken away the loneliness once you are home and sober. The friends you hang around with all day haven’t fullfilled the sense of emptiness you feel when you go home and you are sitting by yourself wondering “what’s wrong with me?” The boyfriend/girlfriend doesn’t take the place of affection you are actually missing from a mom or dad. The gym time doesn’t fulfill your need for accomplishment. The church activities won’t fulfill the need to feel like you fit in. You can do all these things every night and every day and you will STILL feel alone, insecure, unloved, like you don’t fit in, a need for that drink, a need for the drug, just one more time having sex… You will tell yourself over and over again “this is the last time” in whatever category or categories you fit in. I’m here to tell you I have the answer to the one thing that will truly satisfy your soul… And it’s not all those things you keep wasting your time on.

Jesus will satisfy every hunger, thirst, longing for acceptance, sense of loneliness, need for affection, phening for a high and more. He and only He can take this urge you have away for good. So why waste your time on the other things? And here is the best part: it’s free. It doesn’t cost you money like the $7.00 you spend on one drink at the club, it doesn’t cost your life savings because you think you need to snort one more line, it doesn’t cost you sacrificing who you really are to fit in because Jesus accepts you for who you are. All you have to do is say to Him you are sorry for the life you have been living and ask Him to come into your heart and change you. Literally, it’s that easy.

If you need help beyond this point please feel free to contact me and I will do all I can to help and point you in the right direction.

Galatians 5:1
Christ has set us free to live a free life. So take your stand! Never again let anyone put a harness of slavery on you.

Obedience Has A Price


Sometimes in life we have moments where our flesh doesn’t want to do something  — but your mind is smarter than your heart. When a moment like that comes you pray for confirmation and then stop and listen. When you get your answer you have to make sure to follow it. Don’t let your heart get in the way to keep you from per-suing the direction God has directed you to go. I’m not going to lie, it sucks. Knowing that your flesh wants to do one thing but you know God is leading you somewhere else is one of the hardest things you will ever have to do. However if you are obedient, the adventures that follow will be fabulous. If you are not obedient, nothing will work as it should. You will fall to the self-serving, pride filled parts of being human. But our God reigns mighty and He will provide every step you need to take – you just have to step out and take the first step. If you are reading this you are not alone. I’m going through this very moment and I have to remember MY GOD is in control. Regardless of what others think, how they act or what they may tell you at the end of the day it’s your decision. You have one person to answer to – if God has told you to do it – then it’s done. Don’t question it.

*Let me heed you a warning though… do not tell others “God told me to…” if God has truly not told you to. This is blasphemy. And there is a consequence. Many speak that God told them to do something when He actually didn’t. It’s just an attempt of justification for them to do it and others not be able to argue with them.

This is my prayer today:

Lord, thank you for my direction you have already given me. You have spoken clearly and I must be obedient. Please lift me up through Your strength and help me to see with blinders on. You are my Alpha, Omega, Beginning and End. Without Your strength I would get through nothing. Use me Father in the things You have in store for me. Use me as your tool for whatever you see fit. In Jesus’ name… AMEN.

I normally don’t write something like that – but if you are going through this same situation and you are not really sure what to pray maybe this can be a starting point for you 🙂 Best of luck in your endeavors.

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David was obedient and the plaque was lifted! 2 Samuel 24:18-25