Breaking Through The Mountain

A mountain is a “large natural elevation of the earth’s surface rising abruptly from the surrounding level; a large steep hill.” A second dictionary gives a second definition of “a large amount of something.” And yet, scripture tells us:

I tell you the truth, you can say to this mountain, ‘May you be lifted up and thrown into the sea,’ and it will happen. But you must really believe it will happen and have no doubt in your heart. – Mark 11:23


The definition of mountain and what scripture has given above are perfect examples of how we cannot look at our lives with the eyes on our face, but instead the set of spiritual eyes we were born with. Obviously, physically we cannot lift up a mountain and throw it into the sea. Perhaps piece-by-piece but this scripture gives the impression of lifting up the mountain as a whole. With physical eyes, we see the mountain (our problem) in front of us, but we have to see with our spiritual eyes that we can move it.

I have shared in this blog for almost 6 years now. Every story linked to some sort of situation either I was apart of, something that has happen to me personally, or something that inspired me enough through someone else that the theme of the that story had to be shared. For what feels like the first time, I have a mountain in front of me I can’t seem to move. What makes this worse is I received a word from God a few weeks ago that not only was I strong enough in faith to move a mountain, I could break through the mountain. Then why am I struggling so badly? Why do I feel defeated? Why am I struggling with the things that I am?

This mountain affects me in many ways, but most of all, emotionally. The struggle it brings me is a battle I just keep trying to face and have faith with but seem to lose it within a short time. I have made progress, which I suppose is better than nothing. In the beginning, I couldn’t see straight to deal with it – much less acknowledge it. Now, I am at a point where it is still a mountain of thorns in my side, but I can see when something is beginning to stir me up. I try very, very hard to deal with it appropriately. I enter into a prayer wherever I am and ask God to help me through. I ask the Holy Ghost to grace me with an uncanny ability to focus my mind. This process is probably the equivalent to carrying pieces of the mountain in a shovel to the sea. Far from lifting the entire thing up – or breaking through it completely.

I do not have a clever wrap up for this blog. This is just an honest portrayal of where I am. I have not written in weeks and thought it only fair to those of you who follow my blog to understand why you have not heard from me… I am going through a trial of my own and have needed some time to try to get through it. I hold tight to a handful of things Jesus has shown me between January and now. Documenting everything in a prayer journal so in times when I am feeling weak – so I can go back and find strength in God’s promises to me.

I cling tightly to what James says in chapter 1:

Consider it a great joy, my brothers, whenever you experience various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. But endurance must do its complete work, so that you may be mature and complete, lacking nothing. Now if any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives to all generously and without criticizing, and it will be given to him.

(Side note: Every time I read these verses I have to just laugh inside at “faith produces endurance”. My next question is, “what kind of endurance do I need with what I am going through?!”  And the very next verse says, “but endurance must do its complete work… ” Heaven help me, lol.)

Ask for wisdom. That’s what I did. My prayer lead me to Proverbs 2. I read the following:

…if you call out to insight and lift your voice to understanding,  if you seek it like silver and search for it like hidden treasure,  then you will understand the fear of the LORD and discover the knowledge of God. For the LORD gives wisdom; from His mouth come knowledge and understanding.

And this is where I am… searching for wisdom, believing it will bring me God’s knowledge which in turn, brings me understanding – because I absolutely do not understand. I do not want to see this mountain in front of me anymore, but I just can’t seem to lift it up and throw it in the sea. #feelinglost #feelinginsecure #feelinghopeless


So Long Insecurity

Tonight, I begin a journey I have long tried to put off. My insecurity of becoming fat, overweight, larger than I want to be (however you want to put it) controls me. I’m better than I used to be but I’m not quite there. My self-image of myself is sometimes great! I feel like a woman who could take on the world, one who is pretty and stunning, smart and funny. For today, I have a great set of legs and biceps that are starting to pop nicely. Other days, I am a woman who should wear a potato sack. My stomach is way too bloated to wear that shirt and a skirt… forget about it. Can’t have a mushroom top. Because I don’t feel like I look the part of a confident woman, I am not confident today. I stay in my sulky, sad mind which translates to my body language. If I had it my way, I would wear jeans and sweatshirt today. That hides everything I need to hide.

so long insecurity

This back and forth with myself is time-consuming, stressful both in body and mind, and just not worth it. It’s not healthy for me to be back and forth like I am. Throughout the last two years, I have had to accept days when my stomach was 5 months bloated and there wasn’t a darn thing I could do about it because of what I now know to be an intestinal infection. But this has gone one for years. At least 10 years at this point. I had my moments when I would cry and break down asking God to “fix it”. Then I had my more genuine moments of asking God to “help me through it”. But at the heart of the matter, we are not genuine enough until we get to the point of really being willing to get rid of it. As long as there a little bit of us in it, it’s not all God’s.

I can recall confiding in someone years ago that I didn’t want to lose my obsession and perspective of my body and weight because if I did, I might lose control of everything and become huge. Messed up huh? I know you are reading this saying one of two things: 1. I feel the same way! or 2. Is this chick nuts? I also know there are some people right now who are judging me and my thoughts because you don’t see me as fat. Please hold your thoughts to yourself. My “fat” is not your “fat”. My “mirror reflection” is not your “mirror reflection”. My mind and your mind probably do not break down thoughts the same way because we are two different people.

Tonight, I finally pulled out a book from my shelf I have had for two years now. “So Long Insecurity, Devotional Journal” by Beth Moore. It was a gift from my sister but until now I wasn’t ready. It’s true what they say, until someone wants to help themselves, you can’t force it. For many, many years now I have lived in my own personal prison. Every day a battle in my mind of how I feel, what I look like, and allowing those emotions to dictate what sort of day I will have. It’s okay to have emotions — it’s not okay for emotions to have you. As I crack open these first few pages, I read, “It is God’s will for you to have your dignity and security restored.” This goes hand in hand with what happen when I was leaving the gym today. I’ve put a lot of muscle on. Muscle is heavy and makes me feel “heavy” which is translated as fat in my brain. I feel “thick” and I don’t like it but I know it’s healthier to muscle on your frame. As I walked across the parking lot back to the office, for the first time, I prayed this prayer:

Jesus, help me to accept me for me. For the way you made me. Help me to be the best I can be, to be as fit as I can be, for me. Help me to love who I am physically.

It’s one of the most honest moments I have had with Him in a while on this subject. To be honest, it’s one of the most honest moments I have had with myself.

After the introduction of the book, the first devotion of this journal opens with Jeremiah 17:7-8 (NLT) — “Blessed are those who trust in the Lord and have made the Lord their hope and confidence. They are like trees planted along a riverbank, with roots that reach deep into the water. Such trees are not bothered by the heat and worried by long months of drought. Their leaves stay green, and they never stop producing fruit.”

We are the trees, planted next to the riverbank, the LIVING WATER (Jesus). Because we always have access to this there is no reason for me to be worried, specifically about this process. I can’t say 100% I am ready for this process and transformation because I know it’s going to be uncomfortable. I know I will face battles and have to keep facing them until I win if I want to overcome this insecurity of mine.

But this is faith right? Having trust that Jesus is going to get me through this. This is a step in faith to make my life better. I am facing faith – it’s scary and it’s a blind pathway for me right now. Hopefully, as I walk along this path, the lights come up and I see a new mirror at the end of the tunnel.

Here’s to facing my faith.

happy girls

He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not

When I was younger I couldn’t stand to not have a boyfriend. The minute I broke up with one I was on the hunt for another. I put them before friends and family. I put them in front of important events I should have been at but instead would lie to get out of the event. Yes, I admit it… I would lie. The attention I would receive from a “boy” was infatuating to me. Holding my hand or giving me a kiss would just send butterflies through my stomach and make me want to spend even more time with him. But I quickly learned the attention I was getting that I thought equaled “love” was not “love” at all. Instead it was just attention – and most the time attention in the most wrong sense.

You know how you are feeling incomplete (girl or guy) and searching for something to fill that void? You tell yourself, “something is just missing in my life” so you go out and have drinks with friends, or go boy/girl hopping til you find one that is intriguing enough that they keep your attention, or maybe you throw all your time into working out or a sport, maybe you even throw yourself into church activities but all for the wrong reason. When you try to fill a void with something other than it’s true meaning of being filled it never works. The last drink of the night hasn’t taken away the loneliness once you are home and sober. The friends you hang around with all day haven’t fullfilled the sense of emptiness you feel when you go home and you are sitting by yourself wondering “what’s wrong with me?” The boyfriend/girlfriend doesn’t take the place of affection you are actually missing from a mom or dad. The gym time doesn’t fulfill your need for accomplishment. The church activities won’t fulfill the need to feel like you fit in. You can do all these things every night and every day and you will STILL feel alone, insecure, unloved, like you don’t fit in, a need for that drink, a need for the drug, just one more time having sex… You will tell yourself over and over again “this is the last time” in whatever category or categories you fit in. I’m here to tell you I have the answer to the one thing that will truly satisfy your soul… And it’s not all those things you keep wasting your time on.

Jesus will satisfy every hunger, thirst, longing for acceptance, sense of loneliness, need for affection, phening for a high and more. He and only He can take this urge you have away for good. So why waste your time on the other things? And here is the best part: it’s free. It doesn’t cost you money like the $7.00 you spend on one drink at the club, it doesn’t cost your life savings because you think you need to snort one more line, it doesn’t cost you sacrificing who you really are to fit in because Jesus accepts you for who you are. All you have to do is say to Him you are sorry for the life you have been living and ask Him to come into your heart and change you. Literally, it’s that easy.

If you need help beyond this point please feel free to contact me and I will do all I can to help and point you in the right direction.

Galatians 5:1
Christ has set us free to live a free life. So take your stand! Never again let anyone put a harness of slavery on you.