He Knows Me So Well


Around a month ago, the Lord spoke to me that I would be in a storm. When I looked around, I would be able to see nothing in every direction ; however, it would be calm. This would mean I was in the eye of the storm. When this moment came, He instructed me to “be still”. Oh, He knows me so well. 😉

For some reason whenever God speaks “storm” I imagine this rough, dark, time that seems like it is impossible to get through. In a hurricane, the eye of the storm is calm. Some have actually said it’s beautiful. There are still clouds all around though. This week, I have come to a place where I can’t see around me. I have hit the eye of a storm. Every aspect of my life seems blurry – and without purpose. Allow me to break it down for you:

Work – working my 8-5 job… but what am I striving towards?
Church – recently, the Lord told me to give up some scheduling that I did for our worship team… how can I help if He had me lay this down?
Hobbies – my current hobby is crossfit but I have had a hurt knee for a few weeks… how can I work towards my goals?
Home – all of a sudden, it feels like I am working two full-time jobs with wife/home duties… how will I ever stay on top of things?
Me – frustrated with myself and some things that aren’t changing… how will things improve when I am giving my best and it’s still not enough?

“Be still, and know that I am God…” – Psalm 46:10

When I would hit this moment in the past, I would work to find SOMETHING to do. My personality type likes to feel accomplished in things (I love short-term projects). It’s kind of like an addiction I guess you could say. I love the feeling of accomplishment; but God knows me so well, He instructed me to be still. He literally gave me instructions because He knew what I would do. This just makes me laugh. I imagine me sitting on His knee with Him talking to me like the dad He is. 🙂

In being still – and listening for what He has to tell me – I have heard:

1. Just serve
2. Rest and enjoy this time

He is giving me a season of rest, I believe, because the season to come is going to fast-paced and busy. He is SUCH a good GOD that He prepares me for what is to come. I have experienced more and more of this foreknowledge the deeper my relationship with Him has grown.

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He tells us things for a reason, we just have to be willing to listen. I encourage you to do whatever He tells you to do because He has a reason behind it. I am excited for the things to come!! He has given me a snapshot of it and I am siked!!! Dreams really do come true when they are for Him and His Kingdom.

#daretodream #dreambelieveachieve

When All You Want To Do Is Quit


tearMy day began with waking up in the middle of the night to a message. I tossed and turn from 3am until I woke up for work. As I arrived at work, I walked into my office to find a horrible smell of musky, mildew. After searching for it, I finally discovered the carpet in front of an emergency exit door was saturated with water. For the remainder of the day, the door in my office was open with two fans blowing to help dry it out so they can begin repairs. The entire 8 hours at work was a struggle to make it to the end. All day my head couldn’t concentrate on anything at hand. I felt myself be “short” in conversations and not want to really give my best. About 30 minutes before I left work, a huge thunderstorm came through. I shut the emergency exit door in my office so rain obviously wouldn’t come in. As the rain increased, I huge waterfall of rain water came pouring down the door onto my carpet… the carpet we were trying to dry out all day long. The entire door frame was spilling water. After the workday, I go and pick up my daughter. As we are making our way to a class, she begins to tell me her belly hurts. Within 30 minutes she has pooped (in liquid form) on herself and in the car seat. She became hysterical. Embarrassed because of what had happen – and worried she would get in trouble. After class, we go to practice for our church service on Sunday. My irritability level went through the roof. Every small detail that could get under my skin – did.

The emotions I felt I really can’t explain. When I left the church building nothing would have pleased my flesh more than to quit my job, quit the worship team, quit anything else I was committed to and just do nothing. Lately, this indescribable feeling of wanting to just scream and let out the frustrations that I feel are sitting on my shoulders seems to be something I can’t quite shake. These urges to cry and release my own waterfalls of tears just seem to come on their own. Urges to just cry out for God to hear me. After reading Hebrews 5:7, I was comforted to know Jesus felt just like me.

During His earthly life,[a] He offered prayers and appeals with loud cries and tears to the One who was able to save Him from death, and He was heard because of His reverence.” (HCBS)

I read this line in an article – and it was so accurate for me: “Tears are so intensely personal that the praying soul can weep more naturally and freely when only God is the witness to the tears.” When I am alone with God, speaking of things and praying for things that no one else knows about, my soul literally weeps, and He hears every silent word.

I heard someone say a few days ago that “tears were intercession” on behalf of others to God. I don’t know if there is a scripture to support this but I know Hannah’s tears stirred God’s heart and He blessed her with a son – whom she faithfully gave back to God. Then because of her obedience was blessed with additional children.

I have felt this type of thing before; however, never this strong. These moments are much like labor pains – coming more often and increasing in pain with each additional time. I believe something is getting ready to be birthed! Now is NOT the time to quit – but the fact that I feel this way let’s me know it’s just going to be that much better!! Here’s to answered prayers and enormous breakthrough for myself and others God has placed on my heart in these past few months.

 

Crossfit As Therapy?


I never would have imagined that I – of all people – would be participating in Crossfit. If you know my testimony, then you understand why this statement is true. If you don’t know my testimony, here are a few posts where I have chronicled my struggles:

Those Deep Dark Secrets  |  When “It” Returns To Haunt You  |  A True Confession

It didn’t matter how many times I faced my struggle, it seemed to find its way back. This is the first time I have started something, had my body make changes, and I actually accept them. Don’t get me wrong, it has not been a perfect road of no complaining, lol, but of acceptance – yes. For the past two years I have committed myself to running 2-3 times a week (totaling 7-11 miles) and toning based exercises/routines such as BodyPump. My goal was to feel and look thin. I didn’t want my thighs to touch because to me it meant I was fat. I hate anything hanging over the sides of my jeans because I feel like my “love handles” are 3x’ larger than they really are. If I looked thin (even without muscle) and I felt thin I was validated in some sick sense.

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What started as an exercise to grow my marriage to a new level has turned into a tri-weekly therapy session for my inner most person. After taking Crossfit classes for around 5 weeks now, my body is changing. My inner thighs touch at the top. When this first started happening, I began to cringe. My entire body was beginning to feel “thick”. (Side note – I have always had a muscular body type from dance  and I didn’t want to have it anymore!) I struggled for a few days, even debating if I wanted to keep doing it… could I really handle these changes to my body without losing my sanity? A single comment from my husband changed my entire attitude of whether I would quit or not…

This is the best your body has looked in a long time. Fit is the new sexy.

Well! If my husband was liking my new physique then it was something I was willing to take on. His opinion of me as my lifelong partner is extremely important to me. In marriage we grow and change everyday and I want to make sure I stay “in tune” with him even when it comes to my body. 🙂

Next came the struggle of food. The workouts were burning lots of calories but I wasn’t replenishing them like I should. I have always had a horrible relationship with food. When I started Crossfit I was at a place with food where I really could care less about eating at all. Food was a necessity to live and I wanted to consume the least amount possible. That meant less to work off. After a conversation with a new friend of mine at this gym, I had a new perspective on eating. She told me after a truth session regarding food, “it’s not about how much you do or don’t take in – it’s about fueling your body for the workout ahead.” I am not sure why this specific sentence made a difference but it did. From that point forward I didn’t quite look at food as an enemy, but instead, a friend.

All-in-all, this 5 week experience has been a positive one. In the last week and half, I have noticed changes in my body that I have NEVER seen in the years of previous working out. I am 32 years old and I am seeing “lines” I have never seen in my life. You read correctly… in 5 weeks I am seeing changes I have never seen in years. It’s encouraging and exciting. While many of the workouts suck, haha, it’s so worth it when you go home and see new lines of definition coming through – even when it’s muscle gain. I feel amazing – like I could take on the world.

I am not someone who intends on working up to lift 250lbs. For now, I am content with the challenge of seeing what I can accomplish, overcoming pieces of me I had thought were finally worked through only to find out they had not been, and seeing a new me my husband is intrigued by – <3. That drives me. At the end of the day, I know what I am called to do for the Lord. It pertains to helping people find freedom and face faith in this temporary life. How in the world can I help people who share my testimony if I still have pieces I need to work through? (I am so amazed how the Lord will prompt us to do one thing and yet it actually “answers” or “corrects” numerous things. I’m so grateful He is an all-knowing GOD and knows exactly what I need, when I need it. I just have to listen.)

I think it’s time to finally close this chapter in my life.

Breaking Through The Mountain


A mountain is a “large natural elevation of the earth’s surface rising abruptly from the surrounding level; a large steep hill.” A second dictionary gives a second definition of “a large amount of something.” And yet, scripture tells us:

I tell you the truth, you can say to this mountain, ‘May you be lifted up and thrown into the sea,’ and it will happen. But you must really believe it will happen and have no doubt in your heart. – Mark 11:23

mountain

The definition of mountain and what scripture has given above are perfect examples of how we cannot look at our lives with the eyes on our face, but instead the set of spiritual eyes we were born with. Obviously, physically we cannot lift up a mountain and throw it into the sea. Perhaps piece-by-piece but this scripture gives the impression of lifting up the mountain as a whole. With physical eyes, we see the mountain (our problem) in front of us, but we have to see with our spiritual eyes that we can move it.

I have shared in this blog for almost 6 years now. Every story linked to some sort of situation either I was apart of, something that has happen to me personally, or something that inspired me enough through someone else that the theme of the that story had to be shared. For what feels like the first time, I have a mountain in front of me I can’t seem to move. What makes this worse is I received a word from God a few weeks ago that not only was I strong enough in faith to move a mountain, I could break through the mountain. Then why am I struggling so badly? Why do I feel defeated? Why am I struggling with the things that I am?

This mountain affects me in many ways, but most of all, emotionally. The struggle it brings me is a battle I just keep trying to face and have faith with but seem to lose it within a short time. I have made progress, which I suppose is better than nothing. In the beginning, I couldn’t see straight to deal with it – much less acknowledge it. Now, I am at a point where it is still a mountain of thorns in my side, but I can see when something is beginning to stir me up. I try very, very hard to deal with it appropriately. I enter into a prayer wherever I am and ask God to help me through. I ask the Holy Ghost to grace me with an uncanny ability to focus my mind. This process is probably the equivalent to carrying pieces of the mountain in a shovel to the sea. Far from lifting the entire thing up – or breaking through it completely.

I do not have a clever wrap up for this blog. This is just an honest portrayal of where I am. I have not written in weeks and thought it only fair to those of you who follow my blog to understand why you have not heard from me… I am going through a trial of my own and have needed some time to try to get through it. I hold tight to a handful of things Jesus has shown me between January and now. Documenting everything in a prayer journal so in times when I am feeling weak – so I can go back and find strength in God’s promises to me.

I cling tightly to what James says in chapter 1:

Consider it a great joy, my brothers, whenever you experience various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. But endurance must do its complete work, so that you may be mature and complete, lacking nothing. Now if any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives to all generously and without criticizing, and it will be given to him.

(Side note: Every time I read these verses I have to just laugh inside at “faith produces endurance”. My next question is, “what kind of endurance do I need with what I am going through?!”  And the very next verse says, “but endurance must do its complete work… ” Heaven help me, lol.)

Ask for wisdom. That’s what I did. My prayer lead me to Proverbs 2. I read the following:

…if you call out to insight and lift your voice to understanding,  if you seek it like silver and search for it like hidden treasure,  then you will understand the fear of the LORD and discover the knowledge of God. For the LORD gives wisdom; from His mouth come knowledge and understanding.

And this is where I am… searching for wisdom, believing it will bring me God’s knowledge which in turn, brings me understanding – because I absolutely do not understand. I do not want to see this mountain in front of me anymore, but I just can’t seem to lift it up and throw it in the sea. #feelinglost #feelinginsecure #feelinghopeless

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