One of my favorite things to do is sit with headphones on, listening to music. It’s a way for me to escape, to go to another place. I know people who do this with books – music just happens to be my mode of transportation. If you can’t guess, I’m doing that as we speak. Soaking in worship because if I am going to go somewhere I want it to be where Jesus is. I was able to share (and re-live) my recent testimonies with someone recently. How often, we know what God has brought us through but it’s sort of distant. When we speak it, it seems so real all over again. Thinking about things like Cassanova and Elijah made me start thinking about how everything we go through really has a purpose. Granted, some decisions we make have consequences because we chose the wrong paths; however, I do think there are things we go through that could never have been avoided no matter how much we tried. And through those times they serve two purposes: 1. we are being prepared for something else to come or 2. we will encounter someone who needs to hear what we went through.
When I suffered a miscarriage – it was much harder than I had imagined it to be. Physically, it wasn’t that bad because I wasn’t far enough along. Emotionally though, it was heartbreaking. I think in the moment I did a pretty good job of covering up my feelings and not letting anyone know how bad I was really feeling – because I didn’t want to constantly hear “I’m so sorry”… In the beginning of that pregnancy God spoke clear as day to “feed his sheep” with this story. (“Feed his sheep” has almost become an inside joke between me and God — when he says that about a particular situation He’s telling me to share it – make it public. Who in their right mind wants to share things like this???) I did – not having a clue as to what I was going to encounter. When telling this story to a woman the other day, the Holy Spirit reminded me of how many people emailed me, text me, spoke to me about how much they appreciated my transparency on the subject. It was a comforting reminder that even though I put myself out here sometimes for people to gossip about me, draw conclusions about me, etc it also serves a purpose for those who need to hear how my story turned out. Unfortunately, mine didn’t turn out that great… in man’s eyes. It’s all about perspective… because my son is playing in heaven with the other kids waiting to see their parents just like him. So really, who has the better life? Which way was the better turn out?
I’ll never know what “would have been” and I can’t sit around dwelling on it; but, I can be thankful for the direction God gave – the people who have been touched by Eli and Cassanova – and where it’s brought me. Now, when a situation arises that isn’t favorable or seems absolutely impossible, don’t want to remotely deal with it… I ask myself: If I don’t deal with this, I might be unprepared for something later. If I don’t deal with this, someone else may not receive what they need. I don’t want to run from something because I am scared – so I choose to face it head on. Nothing is still… everything keeps moving… your situation can only last SO LONG before it has to change. Now – the direction in which it changes – you might have to put some effort in – but face it head on, get it over with and move forward!
Transition is tough. Trust me, I’m in it. But it means we are going FROM one place TO another and that is exciting! I hope what is in my spirit is where God is taking me. Staying on course is not always easy when our flesh wants to go another direction – but when we are obedient (remember, that’s God love language) it all works out. I’m not 100% happy with things right now, but I know I am exactly where I am supposed to be in life. With that knowledge – I know I’m on the right path to where I am going next.
I’m sitting at my desk looking outside watching the wind blow the leaves off the trees. The bright red, orange and yellow leaves with the occasional green leave turn in mini wind tunnels and then randomly get released and fall to the ground. Thoughts of past situations this year are running through my head and I can feel tears start to swell up in my eyes. Dealing with Cassanova and Elijah passing away have been two of the most difficult moments I have ever had to endure. I started looking at pictures of Cassanova and was immediately reminded of his spunky personality, the way he would make me laugh and be independent but at night he would climb into bed with Shane and I and snuggle down between us in the bend of my knees. He never wanted to be without us. Everywhere we went Cass wanted to go and most of the time got to go, lol. Then there is Elijah; I don’t have pictures to look at of him. Only mental thoughts the Lord had shown me along the way. I will always remember the Lord showing me Eli being born – I got to see him for a split second. I didn’t get to see him grown up but someone else I know was given a vision of him – his personality was Shane’s… bold. He looked like Shane expect in the eyes, he looked like me. One day I will see my son again on the streets of gold in heaven. Even as I write this blog my tears have turned to water falls because of the sentimental value of both Cassanova and Elijah to me. Cassanova, while just a dog to many, was with me in some of my most difficult moments in life. He was companionship, loved me no matter what, wanted to be with me no matter what… He was my son before Elijah. Elijah, while never having been born to me, will always be my son regardless of what others say. If the Lord chose to never bless with me with another child, I’m still a mom.
I wish I could turn back time and live in the moments where Cassanova wasn’t ill with cancer. I wish I could go back and God never ask me to give up Eli. But honestly, where would that leave me? We don’t need to live in the past. We can remember our loved ones, cherish the memories, use them to push us forward in the new difficult moments that will come. God has me wrapped in His arms. I know who I am… I am God’s child and co-laborer. I am saved by His grace and renewed by His promises. I have wonderful things coming and they will be just as He has promised me… but I had to move forward from my past to get to my future.
To Cassanova and Elijah, I love you. Forever.
Faith isn’t always what it seems. You have heard me say that faith is taking a step at a time without knowing if the next step in the staircase even exists. What you don’t think about is where the steps you take that form the staircase take you. We assume it is taking us straight ahead to the preconceived idea in our mind. In reality, the staircase has curved a little more with each step leading us somewhere completely different then our preconceived idea.
1 Timothy 6:12
12 Fight the good fight of the faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called when you made your good confession in the presence of many witnesses.
The Lord asked if I was willing to sacrifice my child to Him… I couldn’t answer at first. What mother would? But it was a question I had to answer. I have two choices. I could kick and scream and tell Him I’m not doing it – or I can submit to my God and tell Him yes. Having those two choices, I could just pick the better of the two and move on but I want more than that. I want to obey Him, listen to Him and love Him. Sacrificial giving is one of the best ways you can honor the Lord. My second thought, “if God can give His son for me, why can’t I give my son for Him?” It was the most difficult decision I have ever had to make – and come to be able to make.
God has confirmed to me He has taken Elijah home. This has been a wonderful yet pain staking process to go through. My flesh cries, hurts and lacks understanding of why… No one will ever know what it feels like to lose a child you never got to hold, kiss, love on or look at. I will never hear him cry. I will never see him smile. I will never feel the touch of him held closely to my chest. I will never change his diapers and comfort him when he needs his mother. But those are earthly things. What I do have is conformation he is with Jesus. I know he will never suffer heartbreak or loss. I will always be a mother to him. I will get to see him again. I have faith that God knows what He is doing.
I will never know if the Lord would have allowed me to keep Elijah had I said “no” to His question. But I know it would not have been His plan therefore it would not have been blessed. You see, God is a gentleman and gives us free will to make our own decisions. God’s plans don’t always make sense to us. But you can count on God being there to rescue us. Love on us. Defend us. When you sacrifice what is closest to you – you are blessed for it. The most important message of this entire experience is this… Through my mouth in the name of Jesus He gave me the power to speak a child into being. That’s the power of our God. Exercise your faith.
My son, do not forget my teaching, but keep my commands in your heart, for they will prolong your life many years and bring you peace and prosperity.
- Let love and faithfulness never leave you; bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart.
- Then you will win favor and a good name in the sight of God and man.
- Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.
- In all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.
Well, good news was short-lived medically speaking. The latest round of blood testings shows my levels dropped from 359 to 141. I must admit I had a moment of wavering but it was short-lived thanks to my husband. My husband reminded me when God spoke to not listen to the test results he didn’t say “don’t listen to only this test result!” I have more blood work scheduled for October 6th. God’s will is already done in this instance. We continue to thank Him for Elijah because my little miracle is still there and still growing! I have had continuous bleeding for about 5 days now. Light, almost diluted, but bleeding nonetheless. Every once in a while the bleeding picks up but quickly reduces down again. Please agree with me IN THE NAME OF JESUS for this bleeding to HALT! NO MORE! I already know God’s hands are holding Eli, and he is born. He created Adam from dust, me out of a rib… I think He’s got Eli 🙂
Thank you for praying with us! Feel free to forward this to any prayer chain, list, church group, etc. The more prayers the better! This blog is short but so many people have asked for an update, I wanted to honor their request 🙂 We love that you guys care about Eli.
P.S. We are still building our nursery! Furniture came in 🙂