I’m Afraid, I Put My Trust In You

Today, I am surprised at how quickly this has overtaken me. Throughout the day, my fear level has increased exponentially. In the past few weeks, I have not eaten well by any means. Not eating cake and ice cream every day but enjoying that cake or ice cream every other day (in some shape, form, or fashion). What it has done to me – I have to say – even I am shocked to see because I have always been able to maintain my weight relatively easy. My midsection is not as thinned out as it could be or has been. When I can grip hand fulls of my stomach area I know I have a problem. My brain has been tossing the thoughts I have been having over and over again in my own head. This feeling of not being able to get this weight off makes me want to shut down and cry. Looking at myself in the mirror makes me ashamed that I allowed myself to get here. It makes me depressed. The thought of dealing with food scares me because (1) I’m such a picky eater so my options are limited and (2) it overwhelms me to count calories and place it under a microscope. I have no idea what I weigh because I refuse to step on a scale. That number is bondage for me in the worst way.

“When I am afraid, I put my trust in you.” Psalm 56:3

I do know the best way to overcome things is to put it out in the open and not allowing it be kept a secret {Those Deep Dark Secrets and Freedom From My Secret}. By doing that, the secret sin I once struggled with cannot come back quite as easily. My mind swarms with thoughts of trying to figure out how I can work some run time in – or how can I eat less and not stress my self out. How do I eat more vegetables when I don’t like vegetables? For those of you who don’t struggle with things like this – I know it sounds stupid and insane. For those of you who have or do – you get it.

“For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.” 2 Timothy 1:7

Here’s to me being candid with my blogging world and telling you I am struggling. Right now, I would love nothing more than to go to the gym and at least allow myself to feel good in those moments about myself and my body.

“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” Isaiah 41:10

No one is immune to this sort of thing. It doesn’t discriminate by gender, race, or age. It comes with open arms to everyone who will welcome it. Instead of going to the gym, I need to go to my prayer closet. Only there can I get this under control and take the healthy and necessary steps to become happy with myself again and remove all of these negative thoughts. Even as I type this, I can hear a whisper in my ear saying, “if you share this, it’s going to come back to bite you.” I declare that voice to leave me alone in the name of Jesus! I have not eaten well, okay, get it under control. My consequence for eating so freely is weight I now need to lose – but I can’t allow it to condemn me and slide me back into my old ways. I can’t starve myself, I can’t punish myself. I just can’t.

“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9

I can do this. I can regain control by giving my control to God.

Jade Getchell Signature

A True Confession

I realized I have not had a really intimate confession in a while. This week seems to be a perfect time to have one. I’m struggling. Bad. I am 113, maybe 115 on some days, and mentally I feel like I weigh 175. The anguish and frustration, the tears of disappointment in myself, the talking to myself and shaming myself is sometimes too much to handle. Constantly grabbing my stomach, my thighs, the back of my arms, uh. It’s awful. I haven’t experienced this in a long time. I’m wise enough to know when the Lord is handing out blessings – the devil is there to try to take the spotlight. But this time, it’s much harder. In the past week, I have noticed myself “punishing” myself with exercise. My body feels full of water weight which makes things worse. I limit what I eat to counter balance how I feel and how I look. And then, I have to take a deep breath and say, “Brittany, it’s just a game. Stop playing it.”

But it’s hard. How do you stop playing a game you don’t even realize you are playing most of the time?

Some may think this image is too graphic – but people are really suffering like this. It’s real, by pretending to not see it, it doesn’t go away.

I called someone who is a prayer partner with me and immediately asked for prayer but this time it was different. Normally, in a moment like this, after I ask for additional prayer it lightens. It hasn’t. The thoughts of just starving myself, that it would be so much easier, that it “feels” better to have an empty stomach just torment me. What I do realize, is as these blessings increase and as things I have moving in my life progress to higher places – these trials are only going to get stronger. And I have to be ready. I’m not perfect by any means but I have to try to eliminate these thoughts the minute they enter in my head. Some battles are easier than others, which is why we should never judge someone’s individual struggles. What is easy for us, may not be easy for someone else. What is easy for someone else, may not be easy for us. This one isn’t easy for me. I’m in this over emotional place and as usual feel alone in it. No one around me knows what this feels like (at least no one has told me this) so I would imagine no one knows how to react to this. And why I don’t talk about it.

When I look in the mirror right now I see a body that is not small enough, with too much flab. But I have to remember this is not the case. What I am seeing is false. It’s the devil perverting my view. I have to remember I am beautiful and created in the image of GOD! Who am I to tell God He is ugly? Because that is exactly what I am doing when my body isn’t good enough for me. This too shall pass. Pain my endure through my night (or my days) but joy will come in the morning. I WILL overcome and wake up tomorrow morning with a fresh view-point. Wow, Blogging is sometimes so therapeutic! lol… 🙂 Maybe that’s why they say ‘talk to  someone’. You work things out in your mind as it comes out of your mouth.

Psalm 30:5 “…Weeping may endure for a night, But joy comes in the morning.”

Go ahead… tell God He is ugly.

Normally, I blog because I feel like I have something heavy on my heart to say. Not today. Today is more or less just a day to vent. I’m struggling. Bad. A few months ago I was delivered from a tightly woven game in my head with my weight and my self-image. For a while I have done fantastic. Not really thinking about it – just living life, exercising for the right reasons and focusing all my efforts on things that are positive. The last few days has been such a battle with myself. I look in the mirror and I’m seeing something I hate. Something that is disgusting and ugly. I realized this morning that I have punished myself the last two days in the gym. Yesterday – 422 calories burned. The amount is not the bad part — because there are things out there that genuinely burn that many calories. I made myself stay for over an hour to do it against my will. Today? I made myself do 20 minutes of cardio before classes even started. Had a break from teaching and I found myself back on the cardio machine for another 20 minutes. I had thought about not blogging this at all – but that would be even more dangerous for myself. When I initially went through this fight I didn’t want to tell anyone because in my head it was a way of “keeping my weight down – a way of checking myself”. I opened up the browser to begin typing and actually had the thought of “if I tell someone they will get on to me for exercising”. But that is just what satan wants from us. He wants to get inside our heads and stir up trouble… He wants to pervert how we feel about ourselves or others… What people say or how you think… He wants to turn friendships against each other, families at war with each other and put churches into territory wars. Is it REALLY necessary? Absolutely not! I stood in front of the mirror and commanded “IN THE  NAME OF JESUS I COMMAND YOU SATAN TO LEAVE! YOU HAVE NO PLACE IN MY LIFE, MY THOUGHTS, MY MIND OR MY HEART.” To some of you – you are thinking this is a drastic measure but for me it is not. It’s what I have to do. If you don’t agree with me then you have never walked in my shoes. This will not be the last time I have to battle something like this. Joyce Meyer says DAILY you will take captive the thoughts in your mind and speak positive words in place of them. My body is not perfect. My husband seems to be happy and that is all that matters. He is the only person I worry about whether or not I please. So for you girls out there reading this right now… STOP trying to physically please someone else because to them you are ONLY EYE CANDY. Boys if you happen to be reading this stop expecting a girl to look like the celebrities and famous stars you think are “so hot”. Encourage them to be modest and okay with themselves. Anyone can look that good with a personal trainer, nutritionist, Botox and cosmetic surgery. God created us in HIS image… so you feel like telling God that He is ugly? Not thin enough? Go ahead… because when you say that about yourself you are saying it about God. Talk about a slap in the face. I know most of you reading this know me – but for those who do and those who don’t – you can always reach out if you need someone to talk to. EVERYONE whether it’s the president, your parents, friends, a pastor, a homeless person or a child —  needs someone to talk to. My email is jade@jadegetchell.com if you ever need that.

I have people who support me in this battle I thought was behind me. I should have prepared myself more – so here it goes – more preparation needed. I will never be strong enough on my own, but with my LORD I will ALWAYS defeat satan and his demons.

Psalm 94:18
When I said, “My foot is slipping,” your love, O LORD, supported me.


P.S. (Thanks to those who have helped me in this and who will continue to help me. You know who you are. Your love and support is always needed and appreciated. xoxo)

Free From My Secret

So let’s talk about it! Because I’m more than happy to! There is a previous blog called Those Deep Dark Secrets in which I discuss an eating disorder/self image problem that has been plaguing me for years. Yesterday – I was delivered from it!

Yesterday morning, I told God, I didn’t want to go around the mountain 40 times. I wanted to do what it took to get on with things. Little did I know, he would answer so quickly!

Ezekiel 29:21
“‘And then I’ll stir up fresh hope in Israel—the dawn of deliverance!— and I’ll give you, Ezekiel, bold and confident words to speak. And they’ll realize that I am God.'”

After church yesterday, we met back at the church for drama practice.  The youth were in the youth room praising and my sister dragged me upstairs. I sat in the back row and tried to get into prayer but all I could do is sit and watch. These kids were not 15, 16, 17 or 18 years old. The kids standing before me were spiritually 30,31, and 32 years old. My sister came and grabbed my hand and told me to come forward. I told her I didn’t want to go but she insisted. The entire time before this I had had this feeling in my stomach like I just wanted to explode but I resisted it. She raised my hands and began praying for me. She spoke certain words and then other came and placed their hands on me praying aloud, claiming HIS name and casting out things only God could have told these people about. I lost it. I fell backwards. All I could do is place my face in my hands and cry. The anger began building. I cried harder. I became angrier. I cried even harder. All of a sudden I started saying things like, “I’m can’t deal with this anymore!” ” I can’t handle this anymore!” I had no idea this was going to come out. Finally the climax of my anger I screamed, “I can’t handle this eating disorder anymore!” I could hear people around me thanking HIM for this. I kept crying, thanking HIM, crying, thanking HIM… literally it just kept going. My stomach had gone from this full feeling to being completely empty. I gave it to HIM. (People had placed their hands on my stomach while praying for me and I didn’t even put two and two together until I opened my eyes after all was done.) My stomach was burning. My entire digestive area was burning. I’m believing this burning sensation (which has continued until today) is God physically healing the damage done in my stomach.

Proverbs 4:22
For they are life to those who find them, healing and health to all their flesh.

Psalm 18:50
Great deliverances and triumphs gives He to His king; and He shows mercy and steadfast love to His anointed, to David and his offspring forever.

I had a second round come over me. I gave God my control and need for structure. I gave him numerous things on my list… And that is another thing… no more to do lists for me. They are not going to control me. Those praying for me earlier began praying for me again. Specifically, I know three people who were by my side (KF, AB and AF – thanks for being by my side. I’m not scared to be in need of prayer :). The chattering began, this time with some sound! lol That was so exciting!!!

I got home and for the first time ever, ate a donut and didn’t feel bad for it. This morning? I didn’t go to the gym. I am starving today! These are things I have never truly experienced. I’m okay in how I look. I can now be open about it and not be bothered! I am officially an open book!

Today – you can press on two spots in my stomach and physically feel a faint throbbing sensation. I had my sister touch it to make sure I wasn’t dreaming or making it up! lol It’s the same places that are burning!

P.S. My stomach is burning so bad I want to throw up! (it’s a good thing (wink))