What You Are Going Through – There’s A Reason

One of my favorite things to do is sit with headphones on, listening to music. It’s a way for me to escape, to go to another place. I know people who do this with books – music just happens to be my mode of transportation. If you can’t guess, I’m doing that as we speak. Soaking in worship because  if I am going to go somewhere I want it to be where Jesus is. I was able to share (and re-live) my recent testimonies with someone recently. How often, we know what God has brought us through but it’s sort of distant. When we speak it, it seems so real all over again. Thinking about things like Cassanova and Elijah made me start thinking about how everything we go through really has a purpose. Granted, some decisions we make have consequences because we chose the wrong paths; however, I do think there are things we go through that could never have been avoided no matter how much we tried. And through those times they serve two purposes: 1. we are being prepared for something else to come or 2. we will encounter someone who needs to hear what we went through.

When I suffered a miscarriage – it was much harder than I had imagined it to be. Physically, it wasn’t that bad because I wasn’t far enough along. Emotionally though, it was heartbreaking. I think in the moment I did a pretty good job of covering up my feelings and not letting anyone know how bad I was really feeling – because I didn’t want to constantly hear “I’m so sorry”… In the beginning of that pregnancy God spoke clear as day to “feed his sheep” with this story. (“Feed his sheep” has almost become an inside joke between me and God — when he says that about a particular situation He’s telling me to share it – make it public. Who in their right mind wants to share things like this???) I did – not having a clue as to what I was going to encounter. When telling this story to a woman the other day, the Holy Spirit reminded me of how many people emailed me, text me, spoke to me about how much they appreciated my transparency on the subject. It was a comforting reminder that even though I put myself out here sometimes for people to gossip about me, draw conclusions about me, etc it also serves a purpose for those who need to hear how my story turned out. Unfortunately, mine didn’t turn out that great… in man’s eyes. It’s all about perspective… because my son is playing in heaven with the other kids waiting to see their parents just like him. So really, who has the better life? Which way was the better turn out?

I’ll never know what “would have been” and I can’t sit around dwelling on it; but, I can be thankful for the direction God gave – the people who have been touched by Eli and Cassanova – and where it’s brought me. Now, when a situation arises that isn’t favorable or seems absolutely impossible, don’t want to remotely deal with it… I ask myself: If I don’t deal with this, I might be unprepared for something later. If I don’t deal with this, someone else may not receive what they need.  I don’t want to run from something because I am scared – so I choose to face it head on. Nothing is still… everything keeps moving… your situation can only last SO LONG before it has to change. Now – the direction in which it changes – you might have to put some effort in – but face it head on, get it over with and move forward!

Transition is tough. Trust me, I’m in it. But it means we are going FROM one place TO another and that is exciting! I hope what is in my spirit is where God is taking me. Staying on course is not always easy when our flesh wants to go another direction – but when we are obedient (remember, that’s God love language) it all works out. I’m not 100% happy with things right now, but I know I am exactly where I am supposed to be in life. With that knowledge – I know I’m on the right path to where I am going next.

I’ll Never Forget You

I’m sitting at my desk looking outside watching the wind blow the leaves off the trees. The bright red, orange and yellow leaves with the occasional green leave turn in mini wind tunnels and then randomly get released and fall to the ground. Thoughts of past situations this year are running through my head and I can feel tears start to swell up in my eyes. Dealing with Cassanova and Elijah passing away have been two of the most difficult moments I have ever had to endure. I started looking at pictures of Cassanova and was immediately reminded of his spunky personality, the way he would make me laugh and be independent but at night he would climb into bed with Shane and I and snuggle down between us in the bend of my knees. He never wanted to be without us. Everywhere we went Cass wanted to go and most of the time got to go, lol. Then there is Elijah; I don’t have pictures to look at of him. Only mental thoughts the Lord had shown me along the way. I will always remember the Lord showing me Eli being born – I got to see him for a split second. I didn’t get to see him grown up but someone else I know was given a vision of him – his personality was Shane’s… bold. He looked like Shane expect in the eyes, he looked like me. One day I will see my son again on the streets of gold in heaven. Even as I write this blog my tears have turned to water falls because of the sentimental value of both Cassanova and Elijah to me. Cassanova, while just a dog to many, was with me in some of my most difficult moments in life. He was companionship, loved me no matter what, wanted to be with me no matter what… He was my son before Elijah. Elijah, while never having been born to me, will always be my son regardless of what others say. If the Lord chose to never bless with me with another child, I’m still a mom.

I wish I could turn back time and live in the moments where Cassanova wasn’t ill with cancer. I wish I could go back and God never ask me to give up Eli. But honestly, where would that leave me? We don’t need to live in the past. We can remember our loved ones, cherish the memories, use them to push us forward in the new difficult moments that will come. God has me wrapped in His arms. I know who I am… I am God’s child and co-laborer. I am saved by His grace and renewed by His promises. I have wonderful things coming and they will be just as He has promised me… but I had to move forward from my past to get to my future.

To Cassanova and Elijah, I love you. Forever.