Confession Letters

I got “MESSED UP” (Thanks CCOG Youth)

A few weeks ago, the kids at Cedartown Church of God went to an event called “‘The Ramp” (www.theramp.org) They came back unbelievably on fire for God. Needless to say it spread to me. I didn’t have the opportunity to go due to finals the same weekend. They kept referring to this term: messed up. They would say, “you need to get messed up”… Of course initially I thought they were all crazy! ha However, I soon learned their craziness was in fact a great thing. I asked for God to do the same for me. I also prayed recently for a renewed passion to write again. I used to write songs and poetry all the time. God answered both prayers. I have written something that is SO out of my norm. I am usually a “pretty” poetry writer… this isn’t exactly pretty to me; nonetheless, it’s what was in my heart that was blurted out on paper! Hope you can see the words God placed in my heart.

A closet case for the one who set you free
You have a chance to praise him publicly
But instead you go, you run, you hide
Allowing others to see you’re for the world, not HIS prize
No one is promised tomorrow or tonight
So I’m singing it now – you better ‘get right’
Give him your failures, your regrets, your fears
Confess to him ‘Lord – I want you in here’
Then go outside your closet and proclaim HIS name
So everyone hears it – loud and unashamed
When you do this – you’ve changed your name
Gotten married, now your the bride of Christ and steppin’ into fame
Rich with passion, respect and love
All for our Good Lord – He is above
Over our lives, our thoughts, yes He reigns
But you still can’t bring yourself to clear your brain
And understand that He died for you
So stand up for Jesus’ reputation and name

My New Song of Life

I used to write music all the time. For a while, I got frustrated and stopped. As quickly as I picked up a pen, I put it down and never did it again. That is changing after this weekend’s phenomenon. I have been saved since 1997 but that doesn’t mean my soul doesn’t get tired and need reviving. CPR if you will! My personal motto is “Whatever it takes.” Whatever it takes is what I want God to do in my life to keep me on track. As a thank you to HIM and in reverence to HIM, I have decided to pick the pen back up and write what comes. Here is what was on my mind today…

My Genesis

You saved me from myself, you picked me up
You wrapped your arms around me and gave me love
My old ways have been washed new
All of it, all of this, it’s all because of you

You kept me from stepping off that ledge
You heard me every time I cried and begged
For the moments I didn’t think you were there
You were actually carrying me because you cared

This is my Genesis! This is my new beginning!
And it’s all because of you and your forgiveness
I’m standing tall – I’m standing proud
No one is going to tear you down
Because I will stand in the gap to proclaim
The righteousness of Jesus’ name

In my lowest times you stood at my side
In my highest times you allowed my pride
In my moments of silent tears and shame
Your loss… has been my gain…

Free From My Secret

So let’s talk about it! Because I’m more than happy to! There is a previous blog called Those Deep Dark Secrets in which I discuss an eating disorder/self image problem that has been plaguing me for years. Yesterday – I was delivered from it!

Yesterday morning, I told God, I didn’t want to go around the mountain 40 times. I wanted to do what it took to get on with things. Little did I know, he would answer so quickly!

Ezekiel 29:21
“‘And then I’ll stir up fresh hope in Israel—the dawn of deliverance!— and I’ll give you, Ezekiel, bold and confident words to speak. And they’ll realize that I am God.'”

After church yesterday, we met back at the church for drama practice. The youth were in the youth room praising and my sister dragged me upstairs. I sat in the back row and tried to get into prayer but all I could do is sit and watch. These kids were not 15, 16, 17 or 18 years old. The kids standing before me were spiritually 30,31, and 32 years old. My sister came and grabbed my hand and told me to come forward. I told her I didn’t want to go but she insisted. The entire time before this I had had this feeling in my stomach like I just wanted to explode but I resisted it. She raised my hands and began praying for me. She spoke certain words and then other came and placed their hands on me praying aloud, claiming HIS name and casting out things only God could have told these people about. I lost it. I fell backwards. All I could do is place my face in my hands and cry. The anger began building. I cried harder. I became angrier. I cried even harder. All of a sudden I started saying things like, “I’m can’t deal with this anymore!” ” I can’t handle this anymore!” I had no idea this was going to come out. Finally the climax of my anger I screamed, “I can’t handle this eating disorder anymore!” I could hear people around me thanking HIM for this. I kept crying, thanking HIM, crying, thanking HIM… literally it just kept going. My stomach had gone from this full feeling to being completely empty. I gave it to HIM. (People had placed their hands on my stomach while praying for me and I didn’t even put two and two together until I opened my eyes after all was done.) My stomach was burning. My entire digestive area was burning. I’m believing this burning sensation (which has continued until today) is God physically healing the damage done in my stomach.

Proverbs 4:22
For they are life to those who find them, healing and health to all their flesh.

Psalm 18:50
Great deliverances and triumphs gives He to His king; and He shows mercy and steadfast love to His anointed, to David and his offspring forever.

I had a second round come over me. I gave God my control and need for structure. I gave him numerous things on my list… And that is another thing… no more to do lists for me. They are not going to control me. Those praying for me earlier began praying for me again. Specifically, I know three people who were by my side (KF, AB and AF – thanks for being by my side. I’m not scared to be in need of prayer :). The chattering began, this time with some sound! lol That was so exciting!!!

I got home and for the first time ever, ate a donut and didn’t feel bad for it. This morning? I didn’t go to the gym. I am starving today! These are things I have never truly experienced. I’m okay in how I look. I can now be open about it and not be bothered! I am officially an open book!

Today – you can press on two spots in my stomach and physically feel a faint throbbing sensation. I had my sister touch it to make sure I wasn’t dreaming or making it up! lol It’s the same places that are burning!

P.S. My stomach is burning so bad I want to throw up! (it’s a good thing (wink))

My New Shoes

We have shoes to fill all the time. This past Sunday at church, my pastor spoke about whose shoes were you going to fill? Essentially, everyone is fulfilling a job, eventually someone will move on from the position and then someone else will come into those shoes. The entire time he was preaching, all I could think about was how I didn’t feel like I was going to fill a pair of shoes already made of responsibilities of someone else. At the end of the service, pastor asked those who were willing to fill shoes to come forward. I went forward and began speaking to God telling Him how I was feeling. (As if He didn’t already know what I was thinking! Cracks me up… haha) I said, “God, I don’t know if I’m wrong for this but I don’t feel like I’m filling shoes with this vision you have given me, but I feel like I’m going to create a pair of shoes for myself.” As you can imagine my struggle was whether or not I was being to “human” and not enough focus on His will spiritually. By no means do I want to go out of His path for me! After church had concluded, a man told me my talent was more anointed than I could imagine. He also told me he just didn’t think I was going to fill a pair of shoes – but instead create a pair. OH GOSH! I lost it. God had confirmed for me I wasn’t being too “human” but was actually on the path He has for me. And boy!!! Was I excited! Another step in this vision God keeps giving me. A step closer to reaching it!

Hebrews 11:1
Faith assures us of things we expect and convinces us of the existence of things we cannot see.

I know you are probably lost as far as this “vision” I keep speaking about but soon enough a blog will come about that too. I’m just not quite ready! lol

Yesterday, I received two opportunities to further my vision from the Lord. Again, sorry, not going into details yet, but regardless, it’s happening. God is laying out these opportunities in front of me that keep getting larger and larger in size. With that size increase (and blessing increase) comes Satan though. The larger the blessing, the larger the attack. Keeping myself clothed in the Armor of God, my bodily and spiritual protection is soooooooo important. I know I have others out there who are praying for me and with me — you know who you are — and I thank you for your diligence. To my personal prayer partner, I love you tremendously. So much is going on and it’s nice to know I can call anytime and speak with you about my nerves in this process! (and you don’t judge me for being crazy!! haha) To my husband – you support me. What more can I ask for? God gave me a perfect partner for my life both spiritually, talent and personally.

God is opening doors, times are changing and heading in a different direction. Be prepared, be stealth, and pay attention. When you think God is speaking to you (and remember He doesn’t always do it audibly, it can be done through others, through a program on the radio or TV, through the Bible… the list is endless). Most of all, don’t be scared of it. Every time a new “step” comes along and I must decide to take it or not take it – I’m petrified. (Psalm 56:3 Even when I am afraid, I still trust you.) Petrified because I have no idea where it’s leading to, but excited because I TRUST in God and have FAITH in God and where He is leading me. So should you.

Hebrews 11:7
Faith led Noah to listen when God warned him about the things in the future that he could not see. He obeyed God and built a ship to save his family. Through faith Noah condemned the world and received God’s approval that comes through faith.

Psalm 111:7
The works of his hands are faithful and just; all his precepts are trustworthy.

Romans 1:16
It’s news I’m most proud to proclaim, this extraordinary Message of God’s powerful plan to rescue everyone who trusts him, starting with Jews and then right on to everyone else! God’s way of putting people right shows up in the acts of faith, confirming what Scripture has said all along: “The person in right standing before God by trusting him really lives.”