Confession Letters

Here Puppy Puppy

Who says God doesn’t work in the small things?

While walking my furry nephew, Banjo, a little miniature dachshund ran out the front door of a neighbor’s house. The family of five ran across multiple yards, down the street, and back around again to their house chasing this puppy but she never towards the front door. I asked God to allow the puppy to come back and for the family to catch her. We continued walking down my street towards my house.

In the next moment, Holy Spirit said to me, “dogs often come to other dogs.”

Kait, Banjo, and myself turned around and began walking to their house. We knelt down at their mailbox and after a few rounds of running around the tree, the little miniature dachshund came up to Banjo. I grabbed the scruff of her neck and the father of the family came and picked her up.

He is in the small things as well as the big. ☺️

The Divine Appointment of Mr. T.

I truly believe in divine appointments in both perspectives: a meeting that seems “by chance” for us to minister to someone else or someone else ministering to us. Within that “chance meeting” we or the other party receive some information they have asked God for.

The importance of listening to God and being obedient to what He is saying is not always for us – but often times for other people. Would you want to miss the blessing for someone else that God wants to use YOU for? I think not. 🙂

Before I traveled to Florida, I felt God pressing on my heart to begin a fast.Not anything of an exceptional nature like zero food for 25 days… but what I was not sure of. What I was supposed to be praying for during that fast was unclear. A few days before leaving I received a phone call from someone stating they had a dream and in the dream they were standing with the refrigerator door open. I was standing to the right of the open door. They asked me if I wanted my “normal” for breakfast. I responded no and proceeded to tell them what I desired instead. This dream was confirmation for me on what food I was to give up.

He still did not specify for how long or what the fast was for. There was a situation I knew of that I sort of assumed it was for – and I would do it out of obedience for God but was lost as far it’s total purpose. The day of departure to Florida, I felt the Holy Spirit press on me today was the day to begin the fast. Yesterday morning, two days into vacation, I woke up for a planned trip to Clearwater Beach in Florida. The morning was a normal morning with the exception of waking up at 5am on vacation [haha] but I felt a tug to ask God for favor. There was no motive behind it. Just obedience to what was on my heart.

We arrived an hour later than we had planned but we still received favor with a front row parking spot – right on the beach. We walked an entire 4 feet to hit the sand! I was so grateful because with a 3-year-old I was not looking forward to the long walk with all the crap you have to bring to the beach. (You know what I am referring to, lol.) In that moment, I thought to myself – great! I listened to the pull on my heart and He gave me favor. Simple but I’ll take it, ha. We walked to our place in the sand and set up shop. Kait of course wanted to go check out this “ocean” for the first time that Dory was lost in. (Yes, we have recently watched “Finding Dory”. We were there early enough to sit in shade from the shadow cast on the sand from the lifeguard’s lookout tower. Also there, was a middle-aged man by himself, laying on his side on a blanket in the sand.

My mother was the first to strike up conversation with him. He had two medical grade knee braces on and was doing core work continuously on his blanket. We shared about our families and discussed our vacation. He shared with us he was a veteran of the US Army – as a paratrooper. Through conversation, but without directly saying anything, it was obvious he was suffering from marital tension and physical pain. (Meanwhile, throughout conversation he paid for an umbrella on the beach for all of us to use since Kait was overheating.)

By the end of our conversation, we asked if we could pray for him and he accepted with open arms. I expected to have to walk to him and prompt it; however, when we said we were leaving, he stood up (wobbly knees and all) and reached out his hands for prayer. I’ve never seen a grown man so vulnerable.

This divine appointment was something not only for Mr. T, but for me. While it was obvious God stirred his faith that day and blessed him with a full healing, it reinstated a spark in me to see God work through me to touch others. This is an appointment that I am always going to be grateful for. It all happen at Pier 60 in Clearwater, Florida at Clearwater Beach.

Learning To Let Go

When my heart is heavy, sometimes the last thing I want to do is talk – but it’s exactly what I need to do… I need to talk to God. It’s amazing how much better I can feel when I have “talked it out” with Him. If I could draw a timeline of my life in the last year and half you would see just how challenging it has been. My confession? While I knew God would take my burden, it took my flesh a LOT longer to catch up with that notion and the lesson I would learn for it. For the longest time I carried the burden of what others were going through, situations in my marriage or as a mom to Kait, the stress of work, and a million other burdens. They would weigh me down so much I would begin to harbor a horrible attitude. I was always angry with a short fuse to even worse anger. Physically, I would feel like a steam locomotive who needed to let the steam out. It was awful. Then little-by-little Holy Spirit began to nibble at my heart. Sort of like a little fish nibbling on a big piece of french bread… you get the point of how long this took. I wasn’t happy. No one could make me happy.

Over time, here is what God began doing:

He would speak to me through people… a word here or there. He would send someone with encouragement for me. I was so filled with anger and resentment I didn’t hear it.
He would speak to me in my dreams. I can’t ignore dreams and God knows that.
He would begin to plant a specific scripture in my head. Randomly something would come to my mind and out of curiosity, I went searching to see what it said. Again, God knows how I tick and He knew I would go searching.

(This is a bi-product of us spending time with God, as in a relationship, the more time you spend with each other the more you discover about each other. Granted, God knows us because He created us, but He has the opportunity to love on us, intrigue us, surprise us, and bless us in the ways we like those things the more time we spend with Him!)
All-of-a-sudden, it all came together into a big picture. I finally understood what God was trying to say to me. I just had to get myself out-of-the-way.

I love to see the clues and try to figure out what God is saying to me. AND HE KNOWS THAT! So He speaks to me that way. 🙂

Eventually I began to get the hint. He was telling me to let go. What I discovered about myself in this process was I had a control issue. I wanted to control it all – and I couldn’t. Gosh this was so hard for me to learn. There are still moments where I swell up wanting to control a situation because I feel I could handle it better – or do better in some fashion – and I always here Holy Spirit whispering to me… “it’s not your battle“.

It’s not my battle. It’s not your battle. It’s not our place to carry other’s burdens and battle it out for them in the earthly realm but we can battle it out in our prayer closets. That’s where I fight mine now. I’ve been battling in the closet for a few months now. When I say closet – I literally mean closet – thanks to the movie War Room. Moving to a small isolated area made a world of difference for me. I want my prayers baked into those walls!

I’m Afraid, I Put My Trust In You

Today, I am surprised at how quickly this has overtaken me. Throughout the day, my fear level has increased exponentially. In the past few weeks, I have not eaten well by any means. Not eating cake and ice cream every day but enjoying that cake or ice cream every other day (in some shape, form, or fashion). What it has done to me – I have to say – even I am shocked to see because I have always been able to maintain my weight relatively easy. My midsection is not as thinned out as it could be or has been. When I can grip hand fulls of my stomach area I know I have a problem. My brain has been tossing the thoughts I have been having over and over again in my own head. This feeling of not being able to get this weight off makes me want to shut down and cry. Looking at myself in the mirror makes me ashamed that I allowed myself to get here. It makes me depressed. The thought of dealing with food scares me because (1) I’m such a picky eater so my options are limited and (2) it overwhelms me to count calories and place it under a microscope. I have no idea what I weigh because I refuse to step on a scale. That number is bondage for me in the worst way.

“When I am afraid, I put my trust in you.” Psalm 56:3

I do know the best way to overcome things is to put it out in the open and not allowing it be kept a secret {Those Deep Dark Secrets and Freedom From My Secret}. By doing that, the secret sin I once struggled with cannot come back quite as easily. My mind swarms with thoughts of trying to figure out how I can work some run time in – or how can I eat less and not stress my self out. How do I eat more vegetables when I don’t like vegetables? For those of you who don’t struggle with things like this – I know it sounds stupid and insane. For those of you who have or do – you get it.

“For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.” 2 Timothy 1:7

Here’s to me being candid with my blogging world and telling you I am struggling. Right now, I would love nothing more than to go to the gym and at least allow myself to feel good in those moments about myself and my body.

“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” Isaiah 41:10

No one is immune to this sort of thing. It doesn’t discriminate by gender, race, or age. It comes with open arms to everyone who will welcome it. Instead of going to the gym, I need to go to my prayer closet. Only there can I get this under control and take the healthy and necessary steps to become happy with myself again and remove all of these negative thoughts. Even as I type this, I can hear a whisper in my ear saying, “if you share this, it’s going to come back to bite you.” I declare that voice to leave me alone in the name of Jesus! I have not eaten well, okay, get it under control. My consequence for eating so freely is weight I now need to lose – but I can’t allow it to condemn me and slide me back into my old ways. I can’t starve myself, I can’t punish myself. I just can’t.

“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9

I can do this. I can regain control by giving my control to God.