The Touch of A Husband


I have always known the touch of a husband could be powerful. It wasn’t until today that I experienced just how powerful that could be.

So often the world associates the touch of a husband as sexual. The brushing of a body part meant to arouse and stimulate. What I experienced today took me to a place I have never been and one that was spiritual in nature.

This morning I woke up to what I thought was a decent mood. After a (what should have been) quick stop at Dunkin’ Donuts for some morning coffee on our way to church, I realized quickly I was not in a decent mood. Slowly as the morning progressed I realized internally I was frustrated and defeated. Currently, I am 37 weeks pregnant, ready to have a baby both mentally and physically. I have gained 31 pounds which, at least this morning, was messing with my head. I’m over the questions of “how far along are you!?” or “oh, wow, you look like you could go any day” or any other stereotypical statement people tend to make at this point in a pregnancy. I do know these people don’t mean to be anything besides nice – it was just a morning where they worked my nerves. I sat in worship and tried to “push through” the thick wall that seemed to be between God and me. I told the Lord I would not pray for anything regarding my situations or frustrations that I was simply going to worship Him. I was going to worship my King of Kings.

As the third song began, I just sat on the edge of my chair with my my hands on my legs. I looked down with my eyes closed and just sat while the song played. Tears began to fall down my cheek. A single tear on each side. I knew they were tears of “I don’t know what to say in this moment”. Desperation filled me in that moment. I wanted God to pick me up in that moment, love on me, and just tell me it was all going to be past me soon.

In a single moment, my dam of tears broke and cascaded down my cheeks, chin, to my chest. My husband reached down and with his right hand, grabbed my left. It was exactly what I needed to feel in that moment. He had let me know it was going to be okay without saying a word. Him reaching for my hand made me remember in that moment I had someone to walk these difficult days with. He may not always be able to empathize with me (as he has never been pregnant) but he could sympathize with me.Some of the tears represented my current feelings but the other half represented how grateful I was in that moment for my husband to reach out to me.

My tears increased and increased until I was inconsolably crying (snotting really). Just then, my husband reached around with his right hand, pulled me in, and placed his hand on my shoulder. He just held me. Yes, the snotting became worse! I was speechless in that moment. How did he know? How did he know exactly what I needed in that moment? As he held me close, I could feel the presence of God with us. In a single moment, what scripture talks about when a husband and wife become “one”… came to life more than ever. The power of God that I felt in between us physically and spiritually didn’t feel like it was even real. Words cannot describe this moment accurate enough for you to read.

(You have to know me to understand, that I keep many of my feelings and struggles inside of myself. I do not open up or share things with many people. There are even struggles I don’t share with my husband because I don’t want to waste his time with my issues. I’m not in anyway saying I am right in this, but it’s a piece of where I am right now. My husband has a thousand other things to deal with, the least I can do is try to hold my own, right?! haha)

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As I said in the beginning, I learned today how powerful the touch of a husband can be. To be touched or held by him makes the world and all of the problems it has currently dealt me disappear for a moment in time. That’s a job on he can do as a human being. No other person, male or female, has that ability. We should cherish the individual abilities God has given us as spouses that no one else can accomplish.

Shane, I love you more than words. I am so grateful for you, the man you are, and the man you are continuing to become in the eyes of God! ❤

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I’m Afraid, I Put My Trust In You


Today, I am surprised at how quickly this has overtaken me. Throughout the day, my fear level has increased exponentially. In the past few weeks, I have not eaten well by any means. Not eating cake and ice cream every day but enjoying that cake or ice cream every other day (in some shape, form, or fashion). What it has done to me – I have to say – even I am shocked to see because I have always been able to maintain my weight relatively easy. My midsection is not as thinned out as it could be or has been. When I can grip hand fulls of my stomach area I know I have a problem. My brain has been tossing the thoughts I have been having over and over again in my own head. This feeling of not being able to get this weight off makes me want to shut down and cry. Looking at myself in the mirror makes me ashamed that I allowed myself to get here. It makes me depressed. The thought of dealing with food scares me because (1) I’m such a picky eater so my options are limited and (2) it overwhelms me to count calories and place it under a microscope. I have no idea what I weigh because I refuse to step on a scale. That number is bondage for me in the worst way.

“When I am afraid, I put my trust in you.” Psalm 56:3

I do know the best way to overcome things is to put it out in the open and not allowing it be kept a secret {Those Deep Dark Secrets and Freedom From My Secret}. By doing that, the secret sin I once struggled with cannot come back quite as easily. My mind swarms with thoughts of trying to figure out how I can work some run time in – or how can I eat less and not stress my self out. How do I eat more vegetables when I don’t like vegetables? For those of you who don’t struggle with things like this – I know it sounds stupid and insane. For those of you who have or do – you get it.

“For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.” 2 Timothy 1:7

Here’s to me being candid with my blogging world and telling you I am struggling. Right now, I would love nothing more than to go to the gym and at least allow myself to feel good in those moments about myself and my body.

“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” Isaiah 41:10

No one is immune to this sort of thing. It doesn’t discriminate by gender, race, or age. It comes with open arms to everyone who will welcome it. Instead of going to the gym, I need to go to my prayer closet. Only there can I get this under control and take the healthy and necessary steps to become happy with myself again and remove all of these negative thoughts. Even as I type this, I can hear a whisper in my ear saying, “if you share this, it’s going to come back to bite you.” I declare that voice to leave me alone in the name of Jesus! I have not eaten well, okay, get it under control. My consequence for eating so freely is weight I now need to lose – but I can’t allow it to condemn me and slide me back into my old ways. I can’t starve myself, I can’t punish myself. I just can’t.

“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9

I can do this. I can regain control by giving my control to God.

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He Can Fix You


Do you feel broken or do you feel like nothing is going the way you had hoped? Do you feel like no one loves you and no one will ever love you? The good news is you do not have to remain in that way of thinking or feeling.

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When Jesus died for our sins he gave us an ability to live a life for Him full of encouragement, hope, passion, and power and to live eternally with Him when we pass on from this life. We are created in His image. So, in those moments when we feel like we’re not enough, we aren’t pretty enough, we aren’t capable of doing what’s in front of us, when we’re full of fear instead of faith, we need to remember that by being created in His image we have the ability to do all of those things. We do not have to settle for a life of poverty or a misunderstanding. We do not have to settle for a mediocre life, a mediocre career, being a mediocre mom or dad, sister or brother. We the ability to be the best.

In order to achieve all of this, we have to surrender our souls and our life to Jesus. We must officially accept Him into our hearts and then choose to live an identified life for Him for the remainder of our lives. If you have given your life to Christ then you should be bearing the fruit of it on a daily basis. It begins with being 100% truthful about where you are, what you want, and what you have to do to get it. The love of Jesus is conditional. You must make the decision to accept Him to receive the promises to have spoken in the Bible. The most amazing part of the entire process of salvation is after accepting Jesus, His love for us is unconditional.

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Living In The Shadows


When someone moves away or leaves us it’s difficult to sometimes process, “why”. It doesn’t matter if it’s a co-worker that has left, a family member or friend who moves out state, or someone dieing it’s difficult. For me, it was my sister moving away from me. A little over two years ago, my sister and brother (in-law) moved away. Ash and I were inseparable. We worked together, worked out together, rode to and from work together. She was my little sister who I needed to protect from the world. Regardless of what pain or hardship it might cause me. However, there was one area I was not stronger in – and that was a walk with Jesus. She had such a strong relationship and walk of faith with Jesus. A relationship I longed for from a distance. To hear like she heard. To see like she saw. There was so much that I saw in her that I wanted, but didn’t know how to obtain it.

Little did I know, God knew exactly what He was doing when He had them move.

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Let me preface something. For as long as I can remember in my walk with God, nothing has ever only happen for one solitary thing. (Read this for more on this subject.) This situation did not waver from God’s pattern.

When Ash left, I felt abandoned. I experienced the worst sadness, depression, loneliness, and hurt. My heart hurt. I am pretty sure some anger was wrapped up in there somewhere as well. At first we talked all the time, but then life happen, and we stopped talking as often. It wasn’t until a recent conversation with my mom that I realized exactly what God had done. The ripple effect of her leaving caused me great blessing in the midst of my flesh hurting. I made a comment to my mom about how I missed her and how I felt all alone. I have no “friends” to grab coffee with or go shopping with. (Read “All Alone“) My tears began to stream down my face in my moment of piercing honesty as I poured my heart out to my mom. Exposing that I felt so alone and just wanted her back in my life so I could have my friend back wasn’t easy to admit because deep inside I felt like I should have dealt with these feelings by now. This felt a little shameful to me.

My mom offered up a new perspective to me. One that completely changed my outlook on her living so far away. She said, “Being away from Ash has been the best thing for you. You couldn’t live in her shadow anymore. You gained your own relationship with Jesus.” More tears began to fall from my eyes but this time out of joy. She was right. While my flesh was upset over her leaving, I had turned to Jesus and gained the same level of relationship with Him that she had. The very thing I longed for was right in front of my eyes, but as long as I was living in my sister’s shadow, I would never have found it.

Today, I live with a renewed spirit of thankfulness. If Ash had never moved, I may not have advanced to where I have in my walk with Jesus. God knew EXACTLY what I needed in that moment of my life. Scripture says, ” The Lord makes firm the steps of the one who delights in him…” (Psalm 37:23). That is exactly what He did. He ordered my life to go as it needed to go and I just had to trust He knew what He was doing (admittedly, even when I didn’t think He did, lol.)

My challenge to you is to review your life. Whose shadow are you living in? What are you keeping yourself from? Maybe you know the answer to this, maybe you don’t even realize you are in a shadow. Find the Son and your day will brighten up. Your walk will become stronger. Your life will change drastically.

My saying is this: If you want something different? Do something different. 

I challenge you to get outside of your box (or your shadow) and press, press, press!! The pain you may feel temporarily is WELL WORTH the longterm benefits.