When All You Want To Do Is Quit

My day began with waking up in the middle of the night to a message. I tossed and turn from 3am until I woke up for work. As I arrived at work, I walked into my office to find a horrible smell of musky, mildew. After searching for it, I finally discovered the carpet in front of an emergency exit door was saturated with water. For the remainder of the day, the door in my office was open with two fans blowing to help dry it out so they can begin repairs. The entire 8 hours at work was a struggle to make it to the end. All day my head couldn’t concentrate on anything at hand. I felt myself be “short” in conversations and not want to really give my best. About 30 minutes before I left work, a huge thunderstorm came through. I shut the emergency exit door in my office so rain obviously wouldn’t come in. As the rain increased, I huge waterfall of rain water came pouring down the door onto my carpet… the carpet we were trying to dry out all day long. The entire door frame was spilling water. After the workday, I go and pick up my daughter. As we are making our way to a class, she begins to tell me her belly hurts. Within 30 minutes she has pooped (in liquid form) on herself and in the car seat. She became hysterical. Embarrassed because of what had happen – and worried she would get in trouble. After class, we go to practice for our church service on Sunday. My irritability level went through the roof. Every small detail that could get under my skin – did.

The emotions I felt I really can’t explain. When I left the church building nothing would have pleased my flesh more than to quit my job, quit the worship team, quit anything else I was committed to and just do nothing. Lately, this indescribable feeling of wanting to just scream and let out the frustrations that I feel are sitting on my shoulders seems to be something I can’t quite shake. These urges to cry and release my own waterfalls of tears just seem to come on their own. Urges to just cry out for God to hear me. After reading Hebrews 5:7, I was comforted to know Jesus felt just like me.

During His earthly life,^[a] He offered prayers and appeals with loud cries and tears to the One who was able to save Him from death, and He was heard because of His reverence.” (HCBS)

I read this line in an article – and it was so accurate for me: “Tears are so intensely personal that the praying soul can weep more naturally and freely when only God is the witness to the tears.” When I am alone with God, speaking of things and praying for things that no one else knows about, my soul literally weeps, and He hears every silent word.

I heard someone say a few days ago that “tears were intercession” on behalf of others to God. I don’t know if there is a scripture to support this but I know Hannah’s tears stirred God’s heart and He blessed her with a son – whom she faithfully gave back to God. Then because of her obedience was blessed with additional children.

I have felt this type of thing before; however, never this strong. These moments are much like labor pains – coming more often and increasing in pain with each additional time. I believe something is getting ready to be birthed! Now is NOT the time to quit – but the fact that I feel this way let’s me know it’s just going to be that much better!! Here’s to answered prayers and enormous breakthrough for myself and others God has placed on my heart in these past few months.