I never would have imagined that I – of all people – would be participating in Crossfit. If you know my testimony, then you understand why this statement is true. If you don’t know my testimony, here are a few posts where I have chronicled my struggles:
Those Deep Dark Secrets | When “It” Returns To Haunt You | A True Confession
It didn’t matter how many times I faced my struggle, it seemed to find its way back. This is the first time I have started something, had my body make changes, and I actually accept them. Don’t get me wrong, it has not been a perfect road of no complaining, lol, but of acceptance – yes. For the past two years I have committed myself to running 2-3 times a week (totaling 7-11 miles) and toning based exercises/routines such as BodyPump. My goal was to feel and look thin. I didn’t want my thighs to touch because to me it meant I was fat. I hate anything hanging over the sides of my jeans because I feel like my “love handles” are 3x’ larger than they really are. If I looked thin (even without muscle) and I felt thin I was validated in some sick sense.
What started as an exercise to grow my marriage to a new level has turned into a tri-weekly therapy session for my inner most person. After taking Crossfit classes for around 5 weeks now, my body is changing. My inner thighs touch at the top. When this first started happening, I began to cringe. My entire body was beginning to feel “thick”. (Side note – I have always had a muscular body type from dance and I didn’t want to have it anymore!) I struggled for a few days, even debating if I wanted to keep doing it… could I really handle these changes to my body without losing my sanity? A single comment from my husband changed my entire attitude of whether I would quit or not…
This is the best your body has looked in a long time. Fit is the new sexy.
Well! If my husband was liking my new physique then it was something I was willing to take on. His opinion of me as my lifelong partner is extremely important to me. In marriage we grow and change everyday and I want to make sure I stay “in tune” with him even when it comes to my body. 🙂
Next came the struggle of food. The workouts were burning lots of calories but I wasn’t replenishing them like I should. I have always had a horrible relationship with food. When I started Crossfit I was at a place with food where I really could care less about eating at all. Food was a necessity to live and I wanted to consume the least amount possible. That meant less to work off. After a conversation with a new friend of mine at this gym, I had a new perspective on eating. She told me after a truth session regarding food, “it’s not about how much you do or don’t take in – it’s about fueling your body for the workout ahead.” I am not sure why this specific sentence made a difference but it did. From that point forward I didn’t quite look at food as an enemy, but instead, a friend.
All-in-all, this 5 week experience has been a positive one. In the last week and half, I have noticed changes in my body that I have NEVER seen in the years of previous working out. I am 32 years old and I am seeing “lines” I have never seen in my life. You read correctly… in 5 weeks I am seeing changes I have never seen in years. It’s encouraging and exciting. While many of the workouts suck, haha, it’s so worth it when you go home and see new lines of definition coming through – even when it’s muscle gain. I feel amazing – like I could take on the world.
I am not someone who intends on working up to lift 250lbs. For now, I am content with the challenge of seeing what I can accomplish, overcoming pieces of me I had thought were finally worked through only to find out they had not been, and seeing a new me my husband is intrigued by – <3. That drives me. At the end of the day, I know what I am called to do for the Lord. It pertains to helping people find freedom and face faith in this temporary life. How in the world can I help people who share my testimony if I still have pieces I need to work through? (I am so amazed how the Lord will prompt us to do one thing and yet it actually “answers” or “corrects” numerous things. I’m so grateful He is an all-knowing GOD and knows exactly what I need, when I need it. I just have to listen.)
I think it’s time to finally close this chapter in my life.
Confession Letters 