A mountain is a “large natural elevation of the earth’s surface rising abruptly from the surrounding level; a large steep hill.” A second dictionary gives a second definition of “a large amount of something.” And yet, scripture tells us:
I tell you the truth, you can say to this mountain, ‘May you be lifted up and thrown into the sea,’ and it will happen. But you must really believe it will happen and have no doubt in your heart. – Mark 11:23
The definition of mountain and what scripture has given above are perfect examples of how we cannot look at our lives with the eyes on our face, but instead the set of spiritual eyes we were born with. Obviously, physically we cannot lift up a mountain and throw it into the sea. Perhaps piece-by-piece but this scripture gives the impression of lifting up the mountain as a whole. With physical eyes, we see the mountain (our problem) in front of us, but we have to see with our spiritual eyes that we can move it.
I have shared in this blog for almost 6 years now. Every story linked to some sort of situation either I was apart of, something that has happen to me personally, or something that inspired me enough through someone else that the theme of the that story had to be shared. For what feels like the first time, I have a mountain in front of me I can’t seem to move. What makes this worse is I received a word from God a few weeks ago that not only was I strong enough in faith to move a mountain, I could break through the mountain. Then why am I struggling so badly? Why do I feel defeated? Why am I struggling with the things that I am?
This mountain affects me in many ways, but most of all, emotionally. The struggle it brings me is a battle I just keep trying to face and have faith with but seem to lose it within a short time. I have made progress, which I suppose is better than nothing. In the beginning, I couldn’t see straight to deal with it – much less acknowledge it. Now, I am at a point where it is still a mountain of thorns in my side, but I can see when something is beginning to stir me up. I try very, very hard to deal with it appropriately. I enter into a prayer wherever I am and ask God to help me through. I ask the Holy Ghost to grace me with an uncanny ability to focus my mind. This process is probably the equivalent to carrying pieces of the mountain in a shovel to the sea. Far from lifting the entire thing up – or breaking through it completely.
I do not have a clever wrap up for this blog. This is just an honest portrayal of where I am. I have not written in weeks and thought it only fair to those of you who follow my blog to understand why you have not heard from me… I am going through a trial of my own and have needed some time to try to get through it. I hold tight to a handful of things Jesus has shown me between January and now. Documenting everything in a prayer journal so in times when I am feeling weak – so I can go back and find strength in God’s promises to me.
I cling tightly to what James says in chapter 1:
Consider it a great joy, my brothers, whenever you experience various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. But endurance must do its complete work, so that you may be mature and complete, lacking nothing. Now if any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives to all generously and without criticizing, and it will be given to him.
(Side note: Every time I read these verses I have to just laugh inside at “faith produces endurance”. My next question is, “what kind of endurance do I need with what I am going through?!” And the very next verse says, “but endurance must do its complete work… ” Heaven help me, lol.)
Ask for wisdom. That’s what I did. My prayer lead me to Proverbs 2. I read the following:
…if you call out to insight and lift your voice to understanding, if you seek it like silver and search for it like hidden treasure, then you will understand the fear of the LORD and discover the knowledge of God. For the LORD gives wisdom; from His mouth come knowledge and understanding.
And this is where I am… searching for wisdom, believing it will bring me God’s knowledge which in turn, brings me understanding – because I absolutely do not understand. I do not want to see this mountain in front of me anymore, but I just can’t seem to lift it up and throw it in the sea. #feelinglost #feelinginsecure #feelinghopeless