Tonight, I begin a journey I have long tried to put off. My insecurity of becoming fat, overweight, larger than I want to be (however you want to put it) controls me. I’m better than I used to be but I’m not quite there. My self-image of myself is sometimes great! I feel like a woman who could take on the world, one who is pretty and stunning, smart and funny. For today, I have a great set of legs and biceps that are starting to pop nicely. Other days, I am a woman who should wear a potato sack. My stomach is way too bloated to wear that shirt and a skirt… forget about it. Can’t have a mushroom top. Because I don’t feel like I look the part of a confident woman, I am not confident today. I stay in my sulky, sad mind which translates to my body language. If I had it my way, I would wear jeans and sweatshirt today. That hides everything I need to hide.
This back and forth with myself is time-consuming, stressful both in body and mind, and just not worth it. It’s not healthy for me to be back and forth like I am. Throughout the last two years, I have had to accept days when my stomach was 5 months bloated and there wasn’t a darn thing I could do about it because of what I now know to be an intestinal infection. But this has gone one for years. At least 10 years at this point. I had my moments when I would cry and break down asking God to “fix it”. Then I had my more genuine moments of asking God to “help me through it”. But at the heart of the matter, we are not genuine enough until we get to the point of really being willing to get rid of it. As long as there a little bit of us in it, it’s not all God’s.
I can recall confiding in someone years ago that I didn’t want to lose my obsession and perspective of my body and weight because if I did, I might lose control of everything and become huge. Messed up huh? I know you are reading this saying one of two things: 1. I feel the same way! or 2. Is this chick nuts? I also know there are some people right now who are judging me and my thoughts because you don’t see me as fat. Please hold your thoughts to yourself. My “fat” is not your “fat”. My “mirror reflection” is not your “mirror reflection”. My mind and your mind probably do not break down thoughts the same way because we are two different people.
Tonight, I finally pulled out a book from my shelf I have had for two years now. “So Long Insecurity, Devotional Journal” by Beth Moore. It was a gift from my sister but until now I wasn’t ready. It’s true what they say, until someone wants to help themselves, you can’t force it. For many, many years now I have lived in my own personal prison. Every day a battle in my mind of how I feel, what I look like, and allowing those emotions to dictate what sort of day I will have. It’s okay to have emotions — it’s not okay for emotions to have you. As I crack open these first few pages, I read, “It is God’s will for you to have your dignity and security restored.” This goes hand in hand with what happen when I was leaving the gym today. I’ve put a lot of muscle on. Muscle is heavy and makes me feel “heavy” which is translated as fat in my brain. I feel “thick” and I don’t like it but I know it’s healthier to muscle on your frame. As I walked across the parking lot back to the office, for the first time, I prayed this prayer:
Jesus, help me to accept me for me. For the way you made me. Help me to be the best I can be, to be as fit as I can be, for me. Help me to love who I am physically.
It’s one of the most honest moments I have had with Him in a while on this subject. To be honest, it’s one of the most honest moments I have had with myself.
After the introduction of the book, the first devotion of this journal opens with Jeremiah 17:7-8 (NLT) — “Blessed are those who trust in the Lord and have made the Lord their hope and confidence. They are like trees planted along a riverbank, with roots that reach deep into the water. Such trees are not bothered by the heat and worried by long months of drought. Their leaves stay green, and they never stop producing fruit.”
We are the trees, planted next to the riverbank, the LIVING WATER (Jesus). Because we always have access to this there is no reason for me to be worried, specifically about this process. I can’t say 100% I am ready for this process and transformation because I know it’s going to be uncomfortable. I know I will face battles and have to keep facing them until I win if I want to overcome this insecurity of mine.
But this is faith right? Having trust that Jesus is going to get me through this. This is a step in faith to make my life better. I am facing faith – it’s scary and it’s a blind pathway for me right now. Hopefully, as I walk along this path, the lights come up and I see a new mirror at the end of the tunnel.
Here’s to facing my faith.