I realized I have not had a really intimate confession in a while. This week seems to be a perfect time to have one. I’m struggling. Bad. I am 113, maybe 115 on some days, and mentally I feel like I weigh 175. The anguish and frustration, the tears of disappointment in myself, the talking to myself and shaming myself is sometimes too much to handle. Constantly grabbing my stomach, my thighs, the back of my arms, uh. It’s awful. I haven’t experienced this in a long time. I’m wise enough to know when the Lord is handing out blessings – the devil is there to try to take the spotlight. But this time, it’s much harder. In the past week, I have noticed myself “punishing” myself with exercise. My body feels full of water weight which makes things worse. I limit what I eat to counter balance how I feel and how I look. And then, I have to take a deep breath and say, “Brittany, it’s just a game. Stop playing it.”
But it’s hard. How do you stop playing a game you don’t even realize you are playing most of the time?
I called someone who is a prayer partner with me and immediately asked for prayer but this time it was different. Normally, in a moment like this, after I ask for additional prayer it lightens. It hasn’t. The thoughts of just starving myself, that it would be so much easier, that it “feels” better to have an empty stomach just torment me. What I do realize, is as these blessings increase and as things I have moving in my life progress to higher places – these trials are only going to get stronger. And I have to be ready. I’m not perfect by any means but I have to try to eliminate these thoughts the minute they enter in my head. Some battles are easier than others, which is why we should never judge someone’s individual struggles. What is easy for us, may not be easy for someone else. What is easy for someone else, may not be easy for us. This one isn’t easy for me. I’m in this over emotional place and as usual feel alone in it. No one around me knows what this feels like (at least no one has told me this) so I would imagine no one knows how to react to this. And why I don’t talk about it.
When I look in the mirror right now I see a body that is not small enough, with too much flab. But I have to remember this is not the case. What I am seeing is false. It’s the devil perverting my view. I have to remember I am beautiful and created in the image of GOD! Who am I to tell God He is ugly? Because that is exactly what I am doing when my body isn’t good enough for me. This too shall pass. Pain my endure through my night (or my days) but joy will come in the morning. I WILL overcome and wake up tomorrow morning with a fresh view-point. Wow, Blogging is sometimes so therapeutic! lol… 🙂 Maybe that’s why they say ‘talk to someone’. You work things out in your mind as it comes out of your mouth.
Psalm 30:5 “…Weeping may endure for a night, But joy comes in the morning.”