I Get It Now

I had the pleasure of attending a women’s conference a few weeks ago. When you go to a conference of any sort, generally, you receive some great revelation or experience a once in a lifetime epiphany relevant to a crisis in life or a new idea or maybe even a way to create peace. But not me… not this time.

This conference was full of confirmations. No intense time of exploding energy, breakdown of crying and grieving to God from where I had or had not been, and not even a moment of divine revelation or inspiration. Instead, God gave me something greater… Answers. Confirmations. Saturation.

You see, there were things in my life I was dealing with on the inside when on the outside everything looked fine. My own insecurities mixed with my own personal drive to see things succeed, to a need to change people when I can’t, adjusting to motherhood (which an entire blog of its own will come on this) and so many other personal things I will probably never divulge here. Not all things are meant for the public forum. Before I went to the conference God spoke to me He didn’t want just part of me – He wanted me submerged in Him. What does this mean? Well… more than Sunday morning that’s for sure. I would talk to God while driving or sitting at my desk at work. I have been studying Corinthians but only when I “had the time” (which is an easy excuse with a baby). I went to church, did my part in the praise team and helped others whenever I could. I listen to Christian music and listen to podcasts all day long while at work. How was I possibly not submerged?

The words God spoke to me:

Revelation 3:3

Remember therefore how you have received and heard; hold fast and repent. Therefore if you will not watch, I will come upon you as a thief, and you will not know what hour I will come upon you.

So it begins with my own insecurities. I know I am called by God. I know He has called my name and I have answered. Within the past year God has given me opportunities to learn things that (crazy to say) can’t really be learned. Either you have it or you don’t is what I have learned. I have “it” but “it” had to be developed. Time after time, I step out, sometimes feeling victory other times failure. Regardless I follow through because I am the type of person to say “what if?”… what if I didn’t try, what could have come of it? what door would have opened? I can’t leave any stone unturned for fear of missing my great opportunity from God. Every time it seemed like I had a victory the thoughts started. Am I good enough to really do this? It’s so hard. I don’t get it. I’m never going to get it. Maybe I should just forget about it? It’s not happening anyways.

My heart was losing belief in the words God had spoken to me  years earlier about HIS vision for me to work with Him in bridging the gap. Project Genesis needed to keep going. There is much to prepare for which takes lots of time and effort on my part.

My personal drive to succeed and need to change people walk hand in hand. I am very much a type A personality. I know what I want, how I want it, etc. I am able to handle authority, lead others and manage things but my expectation for perfection gets ahead of me sometimes. While talent is important, heart is more important. You can have talent all day long but if your heart isn’t in it… you will never get better and move ahead. If you are cocky and arrogant, you will never get ahead because people don’t want to work with you. But if you are not confident enough you will get left behind. It’s such a fine line but a necessary one to find. I had to learn it was okay to not always be perfect at what I do. In learning things like prophetic worship you just have to take a chance. My fear of sounding ridiculous overwhelmed me. But not anymore. The song God puts in my heart isn’t the same as someone else’s. I needed to believe in myself more – God called me to this – He has and still is equipping me.

Everything good and bad begins as a seed. However we choose, it’s nurtured, watered, fed and grown into adulthood. If your seed is growing up… then it should be praising along the entire growth process. When a flower grows, as long as it is continuously nurtured, it grows tall and beautiful towards the sky. It’s constantly praising God along the way. If it isn’t nurtured, it wilts and dies falling downward to the ground. Not in the direction of praising God. Which did I want to be?

I realized in many ways I was wilting. I was walking in Christianity – but was I really making effort to be submerged in God? No. I wasn’t. You can point a finger at me and say “Oh, I thought she was better than that…” but be careful before you do. Everyone has moments where they are not doing all they are supposed to and distance themselves from God and the relationship. I’m just honest enough to put my business out there for others to read. I wasn’t praying everyday. I considered my prayer talking with God on the way to work. Talking on the way to work in my jeep is a great addition to our relationship – but how can I be intimate with Him while driving? I can’t. When I began to take the time on a daily basis to pray again – the changes in me were unimaginable. I’m telling you I experienced a direct path with God I have not had in a long time. Once that was back on track  –  studying came alive for me. The words jump out of the page it seems like. Handling life got easier. And this is all in just a few weeks after the conference… I can’t wait to see what is still coming.

I allowed life to get in the way. With this rejuvenated path came trials. I believe every time we take a step closer to God – the enemy is going to try to discourage us more than likely through things closest to us. It’s important to know the truth in every aspect. Don’t allow yourself to be deceived and take off course. With needing to submerge myself, you can imagine the level of trial that came my way. I can’t tell you the amount of times I cried, took walks to speak to Him about how to handle things, felt like I wanted to quit it all but I never gave up. And I came through the trials just fine. When you have the mentality of “this is just a trial because I’m stepping up to the plate” it’s much easier to get through. You don’t see the person on the other side of the conflict – you see the situation that is attempting to be manipulated so you will give up. Remember, the other person is just as human as you are to give into traps.

So what now… I’m going to live out my great awakening. Submerge myself in Christ. And begin living for the real reason I should be. I thought I knew what love was… but until God called my name a second time and I knew I didn’t deserve that second chance… I had no idea what love was. His love has overwhelmed me, consumed me, saturated me and I’m sharing this with you in hopes you will do the same. Examine yourself and ask yourself…

Do you have one finger in the pool of stirring water? Or are you submerged in it?


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