I have had moments of self-pity this week for sure. I have cried my eyes out, not understood things, questioned things and still don’t have a complete feeling of closure. I’m not really sure I ever will – let me explain this statement. God has been teaching me I don’t have to “know everything” in order to move forward in life. I have always been an “I need closure” sort of person. If a relationship went sour, I had to know why. If someone was upset with me, I had to know why. More often than not, knowing this information just stresses you out even more. In the past year or so I feel like things that have meant so much to me just keep being taken away. Last April, my precious puppy had to be put to sleep because of Lymphoma. (Cassanova was like a son to me for those of you who aren’t really pet lovers). Later that year, I became pregnant with Elijah and lost him a few months later. After trying to get pregnant for almost a year it was pretty devastating. Now, some people very dear to my heart are being taken away – and in such an important time in my life (being 8 months pregnant). I knew it was coming but it has ended up happening much, much faster than anticipated. It hurts. The very thought of not being able to see these people make me tear up, specifically one so little and precious. She is my joy and laughter almost every day and I won’t see that now. Every situation listed has impacted me and affected me, emotionally turmoiling me for a short period of time.
But what happens when we take ourselves out-of-the-way? We all of a sudden see things we didn’t see originally. Monday, two weeks ago, I received a random text message that said, “God is Always on time with his plans… Love u.” The sender never sends me messages like this so it caught my attention. I found it random but didn’t think much more about it. Saturday morning, I woke up and cried as if I was mourning the death of someone. Honestly, I choked it up to being pregnant and hormonal. Monday morning, I found out what should have been happening at least 4 weeks from then – was happening now. Within one week a part of my life – which had been this way for years – was changing within days. I realized God tried to prepare me and I just didn’t see it. The text was to reinforce HE knows what HE is doing ALL the time. Just because I don’t understand doesn’t mean it still isn’t the best decision. The mourning like cry on Saturday morning was another way I feel God was letting me know… it was coming. That Saturday morning was the last Saturday morning I would see them before they ended up leaving. Had I known that, I would have done things a little different.
Psalm 118:8 “It is better to trust in the LORD than to put confidence in man.”
Proverbs 3:5-6 “Trust in the LORD with all your heart; and lean not upon your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct your path.”
Proverbs 16:9 “A man’s heart plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps.”
Don’t argue with God. You can’t change His mind and you can’t convince Him otherwise. All we can do is trust in Him and the changes which are out of our hands and control. I had nothing to do with what is happening in my life right now. I need to fight my emotions on my knees – that is the best place to be. This doesn’t mean I won’t have moments of sorrow and sadness much like with Eli and Cassanova… and it doesn’t mean I don’t hurt… it doesn’t even mean I won’t still have moments of crying… but it does mean I know God is in control. I am having to remind myself I don’t have to know the answers to everything or know why stuff happens. All I have to do is TRUST God is holding me in His hands and always doing what is best for me.
Going “through” difficulties instead of attempting to avoid them will save you a lot of agony. (James 1:2-4.) – Joyce Meyer
Confession Letters 
Great advice here Jade! Sorry you are having a rough time but it’s good you know it’s growing you. The first part of your post made me think of something I read by Beth Moore once. She said all women want all the details and “need to know”. It’s our sin nature. It started with Eve in the garden and we want to have knowledge that only God should have. I can pin point why but that realllly helped me in that area.