I’m sitting at my desk looking outside watching the wind blow the leaves off the trees. The bright red, orange and yellow leaves with the occasional green leave turn in mini wind tunnels and then randomly get released and fall to the ground. Thoughts of past situations this year are running through my head and I can feel tears start to swell up in my eyes. Dealing with Cassanova and Elijah passing away have been two of the most difficult moments I have ever had to endure. I started looking at pictures of Cassanova and was immediately reminded of his spunky personality, the way he would make me laugh and be independent but at night he would climb into bed with Shane and I and snuggle down between us in the bend of my knees. He never wanted to be without us. Everywhere we went Cass wanted to go and most of the time got to go, lol. Then there is Elijah; I don’t have pictures to look at of him. Only mental thoughts the Lord had shown me along the way. I will always remember the Lord showing me Eli being born – I got to see him for a split second. I didn’t get to see him grown up but someone else I know was given a vision of him – his personality was Shane’s… bold. He looked like Shane expect in the eyes, he looked like me. One day I will see my son again on the streets of gold in heaven. Even as I write this blog my tears have turned to water falls because of the sentimental value of both Cassanova and Elijah to me. Cassanova, while just a dog to many, was with me in some of my most difficult moments in life. He was companionship, loved me no matter what, wanted to be with me no matter what… He was my son before Elijah. Elijah, while never having been born to me, will always be my son regardless of what others say. If the Lord chose to never bless with me with another child, I’m still a mom.
I wish I could turn back time and live in the moments where Cassanova wasn’t ill with cancer. I wish I could go back and God never ask me to give up Eli. But honestly, where would that leave me? We don’t need to live in the past. We can remember our loved ones, cherish the memories, use them to push us forward in the new difficult moments that will come. God has me wrapped in His arms. I know who I am… I am God’s child and co-laborer. I am saved by His grace and renewed by His promises. I have wonderful things coming and they will be just as He has promised me… but I had to move forward from my past to get to my future.
To Cassanova and Elijah, I love you. Forever.
Confession Letters 