Normally, I blog because I feel like I have something heavy on my heart to say. Not today. Today is more or less just a day to vent. I’m struggling. Bad. A few months ago I was delivered from a tightly woven game in my head with my weight and my self-image. For a while I have done fantastic. Not really thinking about it – just living life, exercising for the right reasons and focusing all my efforts on things that are positive. The last few days has been such a battle with myself. I look in the mirror and I’m seeing something I hate. Something that is disgusting and ugly. I realized this morning that I have punished myself the last two days in the gym. Yesterday – 422 calories burned. The amount is not the bad part — because there are things out there that genuinely burn that many calories. I made myself stay for over an hour to do it against my will. Today? I made myself do 20 minutes of cardio before classes even started. Had a break from teaching and I found myself back on the cardio machine for another 20 minutes. I had thought about not blogging this at all – but that would be even more dangerous for myself. When I initially went through this fight I didn’t want to tell anyone because in my head it was a way of “keeping my weight down – a way of checking myself”. I opened up the browser to begin typing and actually had the thought of “if I tell someone they will get on to me for exercising”. But that is just what satan wants from us. He wants to get inside our heads and stir up trouble… He wants to pervert how we feel about ourselves or others… What people say or how you think… He wants to turn friendships against each other, families at war with each other and put churches into territory wars. Is it REALLY necessary? Absolutely not! I stood in front of the mirror and commanded “IN THE NAME OF JESUS I COMMAND YOU SATAN TO LEAVE! YOU HAVE NO PLACE IN MY LIFE, MY THOUGHTS, MY MIND OR MY HEART.” To some of you – you are thinking this is a drastic measure but for me it is not. It’s what I have to do. If you don’t agree with me then you have never walked in my shoes. This will not be the last time I have to battle something like this. Joyce Meyer says DAILY you will take captive the thoughts in your mind and speak positive words in place of them. My body is not perfect. My husband seems to be happy and that is all that matters. He is the only person I worry about whether or not I please. So for you girls out there reading this right now… STOP trying to physically please someone else because to them you are ONLY EYE CANDY. Boys if you happen to be reading this stop expecting a girl to look like the celebrities and famous stars you think are “so hot”. Encourage them to be modest and okay with themselves. Anyone can look that good with a personal trainer, nutritionist, Botox and cosmetic surgery. God created us in HIS image… so you feel like telling God that He is ugly? Not thin enough? Go ahead… because when you say that about yourself you are saying it about God. Talk about a slap in the face. I know most of you reading this know me – but for those who do and those who don’t – you can always reach out if you need someone to talk to. EVERYONE whether it’s the president, your parents, friends, a pastor, a homeless person or a child — needs someone to talk to. My email is firstname.lastname@example.org if you ever need that.
I have people who support me in this battle I thought was behind me. I should have prepared myself more – so here it goes – more preparation needed. I will never be strong enough on my own, but with my LORD I will ALWAYS defeat satan and his demons.
When I said, “My foot is slipping,” your love, O LORD, supported me.
P.S. (Thanks to those who have helped me in this and who will continue to help me. You know who you are. Your love and support is always needed and appreciated. xoxo)