Those Deep Dark Secrets

Everyone has them whether they like to admit to them or not. For some, they are fears. Others, they are vices. And for others, they are embarrassments. The list goes on. God forgives us for those things in our past without a doubt if we ask. However, in order to receive forgiveness, we must also give it.

Matthew 6:14-15
“In prayer there is a connection between what God does and what you do. You can’t get forgiveness from God, for instance, without also forgiving others. If you refuse to do your part, you cut yourself off from God’s part.”

What about the things we struggle with on a daily basis? The things we feel like we just can’t let go of? For some it’s jealousy, or lust, or envy. For others it might be theft of small things, white lies, or turning a blind eye to something. You think it’s harmless, so what does it matter? What about things like ignoring phone calls because it inconveniences you, or not giving respect where respect is due, or even holding a grudge? Again, you think it’s harmless so what does it matter? What if one of the times you do this someone dies because of it? Or someone sees you doing it, so they do it, then someone dies on their conscience? You lead by example, so how do they know any better? You receive a phone call asking you to help someone move some furniture. Oh! You just can’t bring yourself to interrupt your day of doing nothing, so you tell them no. Because you didn’t help them, they ended up calling someone else, get into a car accident and die. To add salt to a wound, they didn’t know Christ. So now… things might have been different because you had gone and not that other friend AND you could have witnessed to them but you chose not to because it was going to interrupt your day of sitting at home and doing nothing.

How do you feel now?

While my personal struggle is not one of those, it’s enough that I’m praying for deliverance of it. On a daily basis, I think about food that I take in or lack of. So much of my issue stems from self-image problems which is a completely different subject matter; however, it all ties together. A few years ago I suffered from the beginning stages of Anorexia. I did not get so bad that I could not function, thank you LORD! But I did get to a point where I was eating a piece of toast and drinking a cup of coffee per day for about 6 months. Everyone around me said I was looking sick – with cheekbones drawn in, collar bones sticking out… but I felt thin! If I woke up feeling fat, it was a horrible day. If I woke up feeling thin, it was a wonderful day. My body felt great, I was in smaller sizes, dropped from a D cup to a C cup which was a dream come true! But then that feeling great turned into no energy, being depressed because no one else thought I looked good and always being sick to my stomach. The final straw for me to admit I had a problem was the loss of my hair. When showering or brushing my hair, clump fulls of hair were coming out. I couldn’t take it any more. I told a few people closest to me — which started a turn around.

Psalm 39:7
“But now, Lord, what do I look for? My hope is in you.”

Romans 15:13
May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

When I began my regiment to become healthy again, I was shocked at the amount of weight I gained back(double what I had lost), which in and of itself was so hard for me to deal with. I learned how to deal and cope with things easier, doing research to understand the body and how to effectively live healthy and feel healthy towards myself. My sister was a huge support system in this — we signed up at a gym together and began taking classes. We averaged 3-4 days a week of fitness classes. What I didn’t do, was dive into the spiritual healing of this like I should have. While physically, I was losing weight, toning muscle, and developing a shape to my body which pleased me, I had this internal and psychological fear of gaining it back. A fear existed almost like a cloud over my head… My fear of eating turned into a fear of if I don’t work out after I eat, I’ll get fat. This fear also turned into a worse self-image problem of constantly looking in the mirror and picking my body apart, arms, legs, butt, stomach, whatever, and how awful it looked. Nothing pleased me. Nothing on my body made me feel proud because it wasn’t good enough.

1 Corinthians 6:19-20
19Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; 20you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body.

As you can imagine, this is not healthy. I have had this tiny inner voice that has kept me exercising, for the most part eating well and feeling in control. But I’m not. I’m not in control at all if I have to listen to this inner voice to keep my body maintained.  This inner voice is NOT GOD. It’s SATAN. He knows my weakness; he knows the whole in my heart and how to get to me. I am not saying by any means I am over this, but I am a work in progress now. I am acknowledging that I have this issue and opening up about it in hopes that another girl (or guy) will see that this IS NOT normal and NOT okay. I’m praying for God to help me accept myself for who I am as I am created in HIS image.

Genesis 1:27
So God created man in his own image,in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.

So who am I to tell God I’m not made well enough? Or thin enough? Don’t get me wrong, we need to take care of our bodies, exercise them, feed them and cherish them. However, this is a fine line of doing this and being obsessive. I’m obsessive. God is going to deliver me of this – I believe this. Don’t feel like your alone if you are struggling with this and don’t keep it quiet. The possibility of something like this becoming severe is extremely easy!!  Using it to keep yourself motivated is the wrong way to view this — it’s just manipulation by Satan. Don’t let him win at this – we can get through it together 🙂


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